Black and round..........

...........and not inflated with nitrogen or plaited with platinum or woven with gold made from the hair of flaxen complexioned fairies. Just two new tyres please, cheapest you have as the costly ones appear to wear out just as quickly. I know you have tyres which are quieter or only have half of my recommended daily allowance of heavy metals and that will wash whiter than white and still respect me in the morning but all I want is something that will sit between the rims and the road to stop them causing sparks on the motorway.

I didn't go to Kwik Fit but to one of those places that make me feel effete because I don't spend all day covered in grease and oil, a pace where I stick out like a sore thumb because I don't know what a 3/4" hexagonal flange scrubber looks like, a place where the mechanics can probably rip the wheel from it's moorings and take the tyre off with their teeth.

Smashing blokes and a good deal cheaper than Kwikies even with thirty quid for the handful of nanoseconds it took to put the car on a ramp to balance the wheels.

Music de jour is a relaxing piece from an Anglo-Australian beat combo called AC/DC - Let there be rock.