Quite a Nice Day

Quite a nice day, I may say. Still a lot of things to do, problems to solve, clarify insights on paper, connect to people, making things to work again. But anyhow I did make a significant step forward. By writing an important letter with my pen on paper. Now I could try to scratch and sketch again. That will be a less frightening form of selfconfrontation.
This may sound a bit strange. Why not start to express yourself in the most primitive way, where nobody will ever see what you did. Why try out your flowing in handwriting a letter in the demanding context of your academic past. Well, because meanwhile my stakes have changed.
I did a lot of soul searching into the unhappy lack of recognition of my own unique devellopement. Into my apparent lack of courage and selfconfidence to stand for folllowing my own vision and my authentic quest for meaning. After loosing the One I still love, I finally find myself back, shocked unto the depths of my Heart&Soul. Who on earth will come over to see me to tell me I did and saw it all wrong in my long lovely life with Willemien?
Just because I am a poor old unknown Nobody, I can forget about ever being taken seriously again. You know, even the majority of my old academic friends – male and female - have stayed bluntly absent. No mail, no call, no sign of interest in communicating again. No interest in any form of personal contact. I am really happy and gratefull towards just my true friends. Those who contact me spontaneously, even after not having seen each other for ten to fourty years. The fire of true friendship&love burns on forever.
Sometimes it is worthwile overcoming old fears and resignations, just to feel liberated for a new spontaneous encounter, especially when you feel that there is nothing to loose anymore. Thats what I did today. And I enjoyed walking downtown, sitting in the sun. Visiting the Graveyard and lighting candles in S. Michaels. All quite nice, as I said.