Gone to the dogs!

Well I got what I came down for... A wedding outfit. Had to go to some posh frock shop. Arrived to be greeted by beautifully coiffured sales ladies. Had to ring a doorbell to get in! Have never seen so many dresses crammed into such a tight space.
Led into a dressing room which already had a mother of the bride and her two bored daughters who were clearly losing the will to live!. Your time slot was an hour and a half and by the look of her and all the assistants, I think she'd been there three days! She was very tall and was trying on some large polkadot number. You look devine said the lying assistant! I thought she looked like an over stuffed Dalmatian. It shows my bumps she squeeled! Off with it.
Anyway my assistant took one look at me and thought mother of God and the wee donkey, why didn't I just stay home! She probably thought I had came straight off the farm standing there hands in my pockets wearing a rucksack. ( Had fancy shoes in rucksack)
She says I think this is perhaps your worst nightmare! Well she got that right.
Anyway bless her she appeared with a posh trouser suit, I tried it on and it felt fine. I'll take it I said sweating buckets. You need a heel she cooed seeing a good sale manifest itself. The shoes even with my wooly socks fitted well. What about a facinator she purred? I thought are you taking the piss. Anyhow she duley arrived with something with feathers plucked from some poor parrot's ass. I wasn't sure about it then she produced something else that could have taken your eye out. Let's try a hat she said and plonked some huge straw sombrero affair on my head making me look like a dodgy Mexican from a Mariachi band so I opted for the first feathery thing. What about a clutch bag, I thought what about I clutch your throat! It comes free with the shoes. I'm transported back to the time I bought my youngest a bag from Catherine's of Pairtick which almost cost me a kidney. Anyway half an hour later I left with said trouser suit, shoes, with free bag and the feathery thing
Meanwhile having tried several more dresses, the other mother of the bride said I think I would like to try the polkadot dress again and I said well that's us done. Her daughter was still giving me daggers as pa and I did a polka out the shop before my plastic card melted.
Now to find someone who can take about three feet off the trouser legs and I'm sorted. Thank God it's my last family wedding. !