Censorship. No, changed my mind

Can't say what I feel so I'll say nothing at all

(lettuce)

Later.
No. Actually. This shutting up didn't work when I was a child and it won't work now. I'm thoroughly pissed off and fed up. I have palpitations, a migraine and feel as if I've been kicked in the guts. I've spent my whole life letting people tell me what they think and quietly avoiding conflict even though they're misreading me and I long to speak out. I'm not sodding well putting up with it anymore. I haven't done anything wrong.

I removed a blogpost earlier on because I couldn't see what else to do. But now I think fuck it - I put time, effort and love into that. I meant what I wrote and I still mean it. Why should I take it offline? I let the one person who didn't like it overrule the others who saw it as helpful and who agreed with me. And then I decided to protect them by not writing my blipfoto post. Then I reminded myself that it's my journal and my blog and I shouldn't be censoring myself. Writing's what I love best and I don't do it often enough as it is.

Anxiety is a bastard. It brings out the fight or flight instinct when I feel under attack. Well I'm not fighting or fleeing. I refuse to. It would make today meaningless and I've had too many meaningless days this week.

Mum came round for an early Mothers Day this evening, so I cooked a veggie cannelloni. Richard managed to throw himself into the occasion rather well. His red wine appreciation this evening is to be applauded.

I can't imagine I'll sleep well tonight - I'm feeling raw.