The Armoury

My Dear Princess, Loulou and Fellows,

Today was a big day. The entirety of "Team Gromit" went to Hobsonville in Auckland for a site visit. 

As I have mentioned before, it is a lovely team and so the journey was a pleasure and there were a lot of larfs had. And then someone brought up the subject of Singapore. "Their law and order is a bit strict though eh?" said Other BA. 

This prompted Solution Architect (who I mentioned a few days ago) to tell us THE MOST HORRIFIC STORY. I'm not kidding. It was like an effing Kafka-esque nightmare. We were waiting for the punchline, but he kept saying, "And I haven't got to the worst bit yet".

I'll relate the story at the very end, but seriously don't read it if you are feeling anxious or upset. It could push you over the edge. I am 100% serious about this. 

I gave him an awkward man-hug when we got to Hobsonville. "It's all right mate," he said. And then he was his old self again and we were all back to the larfs. 

At one point, he was trying to explain something to us and having difficulty because he's like this amazing technical genius (no sarcasm) and we are not. 

"Use the word 'thingies'," suggested Other BA.

"Okay... so we're trying to stop people in this building inserting their 'thingies' into our domain..." he tried to say. And was immediately drowned out by the laughter of filthy-minded colleagues.

Probably the biggest laugh of the day was at my expense. Gromit had changed the plan for this trip on Monday, to include a presentation from me and Fazzy. Which was a nightmare. Because now I had to book a room and contact all the people we wanted to attend. 

I had the good fortune to find a room for 90 minutes. It was called, "The Armoury Room". The room directory did not state how big it was, but it SOUNDS big, right? I mean. An armoury? 

That second part proved more problematic. You just can't get people at such short notice. And in the end we had to tell Gromit it just wasn't going to happen. She was fine with this. 

As we did our tour, we looked at the room I had planned to book for the presentation. I had even been thinking of bringing my projector, just in case it didn't have a screen and...

"Symon? Is THIS the room you booked?" asked Gromit.

It was, literally, a cupboard. You could fit maybe 3 seats in there. 

"AND YOU WERE GOING TO BRING A PROJECTOR!!!" 

Gromit laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. There were tears. She couldn't breathe. "Can you imagine?" she squeaked through her tears, "Can you all see the display? Speak up at the back!"

And then she was off again. 

This went on all day. We'd be talking about internet access points and radio interference and suddenly, "THE ARMOURY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!"

I have posted a picture of us in the room as an extra. Look at her posing. What a cheek.

Afterward, Gromit took us all for lunch and the atmosphere was light hearted and convivial. And on the way home, the traffic from the airport into Wellington was awful but it didn't matter because we talked about hedgehogs and chickens and "Married At First Sight" and...

The sun went down...

"Oh thank goodness," said Fazzy and ate a muesli bar. 

Her self-control is amazing. 

So it was a long day, but a fun day. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday though.

S. 

Solution Architect's Terrifying Singapore Story
Solution Architect is a normal person, like us. He is originally Australian and his wife is Singaporean, and he spent some years living there. 

I think that's what scares me most about this story. He's just a regular bloke and one minor incident turned into a living nightmare.

One day, he accidentally cut off a Singaporean in traffic by mistake. The other chap took it badly and it resulted in a road rage incident. The  Singaporean tried to beat the crap out of him. Solution Architect defended himself, pinning the other motorist down until the cops came along.

As the non-Singaporean in the equation, he was arrested and kept in a cell for several hours. Eventually a cop came to get him, there's been a big mistake the cop said. All we need is your statement and then you can go.

He asked for a lawyer, you don't need a lawyer. He asked for the Australian High Commission, you can't call the High Commission. Can I call my wife? No, you can't call your wife. 

This went on for some time. Look, just sign your statement, they said. It's what happened, right? Then we can let you go. Can I have a lawyer? No, no, it's the middle of the night now. No lawyers.

So he signed the statement. Great. Now you can go. But also, you'll be charged with assault as you've confessed to assaulting a Singaporean. Self-defence isn't a thing if you're defending yourself against a Singaporean. You're guilty.

He was freed - and spoke to his lawyer.

"Let me guess," said the lawyer. "The cop said there'd been a big mistake and all they needed was your statement and then you could go."

"Oh shit," said Solution Architect. "They suckered me, didn't they?"

The lawyer explained that this was the standard M.O. of the Singaporean police - and that they have a 100% conviction rate. 

Not only that, but a local anti-immigrant politician had targeted HIM specifically. To make a special case of him, in order to win votes and curry favour with nationalists. 

Long story short, bribes were required. $65k in Singaporean dollars. This meant his sentence was literally 2 hours in jail, after which he could go.

Thank eff, we all said. 

"I haven't got to the worst bit yet," he told us.

So off he went to Changi jail for 2 hours. Only at the end of that time, they told him they couldn't let him go because the day guards had gone home. 

So he was there all night. 

The next day he was released to Immigration Control. "But I thought I was being released?" he said. 

"No, no, your visa is now invalid because you're a criminal. You're being DEPORTED," they said. 

What this meant was another prison bus. Driven with a bunch of Bangladeshis to god knows where. He was taken down and down and down an elevator. 

"It was an actual DUNGEON," he said. "And they made me strip naked. And you don't know fear until you've had a German Shepherd sniff at your nutsack, believe me." 

The gave him a yellow jump suit and dumped him in a cell with 20 other guys. No light. Damp walls and a tap in the wall that dripped. 

That's the drinking water. Also the toilet, they said. 

"Australian!!" said a man. It was one of the Bangladeshis from the bus. The man told him that many of the other people had been there in the black hole for months. The only way they knew if it was day or night was the type of meal they were given. One of the evil guards came by to regularly threaten Solution Architect with a beating. 

Eventually, the lights came on and a very official looking lady appeared. Solution Architect was summoned and told to treat her with respect, or there would be "repercussions".

She told him he may call his wife to tell her three things:

- He was unhurt
- He was all right
- He would be back in three hours

"And will I be LYING?" said Solution Architect, noting that he'd told his wife he would be back 2 days ago.

"YOU have caused us a great deal of trouble!" said the lady (she was the commissioner of immigration). 

Long story short, Solution Architect's wife had been busy while he'd been missing. The Aussie High Commission and Aussie TV had been asking questions about why an Australian citizen had gone missing and no-one in the Aussie parliament seemed to give a f***.

So Solution Architect made the call. His wife was hysterical with relief when she heard his voice, and he was indeed released three hours later. His pockets were filled with notes from the Bangladeshis desperate to get messages out to loved ones.

He delivered all those notes. And then his wife said, "I've had enough of this place, let's go back to Australia."

But, said Solution Architect, you're Singaporean and they are racist b's in Aussie. Let's go to New Zealand. 

He said it took him a couple of years before the nightmares subsided.

I'm glad they came here. He's a nice man. And he deserved that awkward man-hug.