Very Extraordinary General Meeting

Don’t say you weren’t warned yesterday. 

I think someone had a hidden Agenda.  I can report as follows:
The Annual meeting rose to the technological challenge and Tam McGregor arranged for the meeting to be held on Zoom.  The complexities of multi users and muting etc seemed to be working fine.

Under Apologies Mr Rendall blamed the pickled eggs he’d had for breakfast.   The minutes were taken by Mrs McLeod so someone went and retrieved them.   

Mrs Kemp could be seen playing crib with another (off screen) party.  Her sister in law asked if she’d had a flush.  Mr Eunson raised his eyebrows when she replied she was sitting there with two pairs.

The McGawkie Brothers (known to the Heddles as ‘The Brothers McGawkie’) shared their laptop screen and were not expected to interject.  As usual however they made it known they have the only bubble car in the Parish.  Ralf Dunnett explained that he was currently part of a bubble.

Under Item 2 on the Agenda Mrs Young claimed that she is Scotland’s youngest elder.  Mrs Elder raised the bar by saying her sister was now Mrs Younger.  Someone was heard to titter.  The Rev Moncrieff managed to rapidly gain control.  As ever he asked Mrs Isbister if she could stand up, ‘I am standing up’ came the terse reply.

During Item 3, on screen, Mrs Eunson purposely started miming because she has never really got along with Mrs Young.  Mrs Eunson hinted that the Minister’s wife had borrowed and not returned her pressure cooker from the Church Hall.  A collective intake of breath could be heard from every laptop. 

It was explained to McGawkie Snr that they didn’t have to wear face masks on screen.  Behind his back his brother, strangely also a McGawkie, could be seen swigging the hand sanitiser.  In the ensuing commotion Mrs Ewing took full advantage of things being in real time and managed to second her own motion.

Mrs McKenzie logged in late; in a virtual meeting she wouldn’t be able to sit on Tam’s Ginger Nuts.

Mr Pirie couldn’t be understood by anyone until the chair insisted he put his teeth in.  He texted his niece who brought them round from No 14.

It was reported that only three members had joined in Mary Berry’s ‘Spice Challenge’,  Mr Muir said folk should have seen that cumin.

Under Item 19 (Arts and Crafts) Mr Johnstone intimated that to relieve Covid boredom he was going to paint Lulu MacDuff in the nude.  However he intends to keep his socks on so he’ll have somewhere to put his brushes. 

Under Item 23 (Lapsed Members) and despite the passage of time, Mrs McKay wanted it minuted that Mrs McLeod is still having it off with the coal man.  Apparently, he now has anthracite balls.

Mrs Drever caused confusion - although her voice could be heard she did not appear on screen.  Her niece, Noreen Groat, could be seen but not heard.  Norris or Doris could neither be heard or seen as they weren’t invited.

Gazing glassy – eyed at the screen Norrie Caldwell thought he was watching a re-run of Blankety Blank.

Mr Pirie has donated his lilac silk dressing gown for the end of year raffle. He claimed he has only worn it once (on his honeymoon in Stronsay).  Mrs Stanger thought it might detract from the Arran wool Onesie she has donated.

Several committee members were impressed to see the Rev Monteith was wearing his ‘dog collar’ on screen.  However, looking closely, they realised it was all that he was wearing. He claimed he dressed in the dark.

For the fourth consecutive year Mrs Chalmers asked if it was any coincidence that the Treasurer (Mr Linklater) was still domiciled in St Tropez.  Mrs Linklater suddenly left her screen.

The Chair knew things had started to unravel when he noticed Phyllida Laurenson clipping her toe nails on screen.  Earlier she had intimated that her husband couldn’t come to the screen as he had a swelling.  Eyebrows were raised. 

The 21st Century innovative ways continued as the raffle was drawn online.  The 1st Prize was a year in Knoydart.  The 2nd Prize was a house in Laurencekirk.  The 3rd Prize was a 1:1 model of Llandudno Police Station.

By this time Tam McGregor realised some folk had sound only and some vision only.  It was noted that McGawkie Jnr’s screen was steaming over; it was assumed he was utilising his hand-held device.

Unexpectedly Mrs Moyra Legge’s cat jumped on her keyboard and with that the Rev Monteith exclaimed ‘Moyra, I never knew you had such a fluffy pussy’.

The meeting ended in disarray.

If you have been affected by any issues in this Blip staff are ready to take your calls on 0845 0845 0845.