Our Ben

Backblip from Friday

First of all I want to say one heartfelt thank you to those of you Blipfriends that left me messages here , mostly making me cry, but that’s ok, on the death of my best friend Breagha. It’s appreciated so much.

We didn’t sleep too well. Wandering downstairs in the morning, our first day in almost 13 years that a face wasn’t looking back at me as I opened the door. Or she was sitting at the door as heard me coming down the stairs. It was hard.

I’m not going to lie, I’m wracked by guilt that I caused her death. At this point in the day I kept going over and over in my mind that if I hadn’t put her in for the tooth op she would be here right now. I had called the surgery yesterday asking to speak to Harvey but he wasn’t in he had a day off so there was a message left to call me on Friday and as he had back to back surgery it would be the afternoon before he would be calling.

Meanwhile a diversion arrived in the shape of Ben. We cHatted about Breagha we looked at old pics of the two of them and videos of her, it was therapeutic to speak and remember happy memories. But all the time I wanted to speak to the vet as I needed answers to all my questions. I had written down the story of Thursday morning so I could relate it exactly to him.

It was later in the day he called me and I went over it all. Firstly he said that Breagha was monitored before, during and after of her heart etc and all was normal and she recovered as to be expected from the surgery coming round well before we picked her up at 3. She had the same antibiotics twice before and the painkillers were general ones given to dogs. So no sign of heart issues.

He himself was devastated when he was told about Breagha on Friday morning I must add. We explained to him about her symptoms on Thursday morning, how she went out for a pee, came in and went on to her bed as if she forgot about breakfast, I shouted Breagha come and get your breakfast and she came and ate it. Then went back to bed. I then noticed she was breathing in her abdomen, shallow, but apart from that nothing else, just quiet. Although she saw the gardener in Barbara‘S garden and gave a big bark at him! Big brave Guard dog to the end! Then I shouted on her, Breagha come on up beside and she trundled over and I lifted her up beside me. I wasn’t happy with her demeanour so we decided we would take her to the Vet so I got upstairs to get ready. I was almost finished when I heard this ear piercing howl and Stewart shouting for me. I knew, I was already sobbing as I ran down the stairs and went through to see him speaking to her and saying her name and we both were crying cos we knew we had lost her. Shock and grief instantly. I called the vet to get an appointment and we bundled her up and off in the car and met by another vet and nurse. They took the wee girl in and scanned her abdomen for bleeding which there was none. There was no explanation from them but I was sure then it was the op and was bawling my eyes out . They swaddled her up in the blanket and put her in the car for us to go home. They mentioned cremation but we wanted to take care of her ourselves. I digress.

Going by the explanation and his experience with dogs he said it was a catastrophic heart attack, no surviving of this. Dogs that he knew that had previous heart conditions had heard of them dying in that same way, outdoors, just dropping. Breagha was in the safety of her home with us next to her. He re-assured me it wasn’t the op, she came through it as expected with no issues. I told him I was blaming myself and torturing myself that she would be alive if I hadn’t put her in. He explained that her tooth was infected and I was doing all I could to make her comfortable. He answered all my questions in a gentle and sympathetic manner. He was upset at what happened and shocked to hear of her death.

It kind of reassures me but at the moment I am struggling with the loss of her and trying to not torture myself thinking of the months or years we could have still had or think about the fun times she’s missing if I hadn’t put her in for the Op. Guilt is still there.

He said if she had any heart issues that would have become apparent on the tests before the op during it and after. I must focus on the catastrophic heart failure, as in, it would have happened this week or next whether had the operation or not.

Sadly, as he was on speaker Ben heard all this and me describing everything and my voice all shaky with grief and was so upset himself. I comforted him and he wanted Breagha’s bed so he could smell her. It seemed to help him. I am desperately sad for Ben.

He brightened up when I found cap guns in the cupboard which were put there years ago. He fired them loudly and we had a game of Carcassone:)

(I’m a writer of words to express grief as well as the crying hence the long winded story). I’ve looked back numerous blips these past few days featuring Breagha and am so glad I have this record of words and pictures of funny things she has done. I will probably be writing more than usual of feelings atm.