Gratefully feeling that inner warmth&clarity

You see it in todays picture: no lust for a cold rainy walkaround. But allthemore a memorable day.  Why? Because my Tillich-reading gave me a marvellous surprise breakthrough about a lifelong conflict or dilemma, or let me say unsolved problem I have been carrying along way too long. Postwar schoolkids quarreling about true heroism of what Father did. You willremember that. Past and future Engagements in Peace and/or War.
Protesting against old family traditions in professional military and administration service.  Exploring first interests in French existential philosophy, Sartre, Camus, Saint-Exupery. And many others, reading my french Livres de poches. Later on introduction into Plato and Indian philosophy. All huge openings in a schoolboys everyday life. Falling in love, Fauvist painting, religion. You know it. Beloved Grandmother dies. In the hospital and at the burial No Kids allowed! So insensitive not to realize how she had taught me what true spiritual Love can mean practically!  In acceptance of death and resurrection!
Then all those questionable choices that you make, are made for you. I’m not going to describe that. Let me cut short and say that meeting and joining Willemien brought serious and everlasting direction in my, and in Our Life. But conflicts and changes are going on from 68 to the mid-70ties. How can you shape room for a a baby while both are working (more than) full time…Amidst the ongoing turbulence who makes what kind of sacrifice?
And here we have exactly the point I was reading about in Tillich this morning.: on the difference in degree of heroic selfsacrifice between the Warrior and the Brahman  in early Indian Mysticism. Did that insight help to alleviate your lifetime  troubles within or outside the family? Of course not. Even if I had read Tillich then. Only more practical acts of Love could have.
But now suddenly I could feel lightness in gratutude, a dissolving of returning dark knots, sorting out old burdens of guilt and regret about unwise choices.
Fortunately I can stay inside alone these days. Gratefully feeling this inner warmth&clarity .