Suddenly we are thrown out of Springtime Beginnings – remember we had Fierce Winter before that – Now we may attune to a kind of Cold-Misty Inbetween. Not very inviting for a gardenjob. So I took up my reading of Paul Tillich. And that gives me really the kind of insight and wisdom I need. Thirty- Fourty years ago I realized that I had overlooked important devellopments in modern theology since I started my studies in Law. So in the course of the years I reoriented, documented and tried to collect for reading works of Bonhoeffer, Tillich, Sölle, Küng, Robinson, Cox, Merton e.a.. But you cannot start reading all these texts out of the blue.
You need to work out your own interests, questions, themes First. And besides that, I was following quite a different track in those days. So my reading had been haphazard and fragmentary. Now, after the fundamental existential shock of Willemiens sudden death, I was confronted with the testquestion: is your faith deep and strong enough to learn to cope, and accept your irretrievable loss?. I started with Our Dutch ecumenical inspirator Oosterhuis, followed by Anselm Grün and Leonardo Boff. There I could find primary consolation and peace of heart-mind. Now it turns out that I’m going to explore my Faith on a deeper level.
Tillich’s  ‘Courage to Be’ and ‘The Shaking of the Foundations’ were published in 1952 and 1949.  Unbelievable how we need his visionary preaching today! And for me his teachings are learning me how superficial my own thoughts and convictions had been for almost half a century…Moreover it makes me understand in a very fundamental way why I had to break away  and out of that unholy and sterile Academic Conflict during the 70-ies. All these halfconscious but still nagging questions about the rightness of my position and choice.
And  also thanks to My DearestLove I may finally and ultimately put that behind me as a past that can still teach me to deepen my Faith. Understanding that there are more and different ways to endeavour and process traumatic experiences. Now I owe Tillich a feeling of deep liberation,  the possibility to explore new perspectives. To let it go.  A Zenmaster might cry: throw it away!
But Tillich gives you a clue how to deal with despair! Well, practically speaking I did my afternoonwalk and I went to the Graveyard. Just to discover that Willemiens Grave is surrounded by lots of crocus popping up. Imagine: under that Sacred Magnolia, snowdrops and crocusses flourishing as if the Eternal Sower emptyed his Invisible Hand  to show the coming of Her/His new beginning over there. Magnificent!