Saturday

Woke up feeling really low and started having suicidal thoughts. 
Picked up my meds then headed to Duddingston Loch thinking outdoors would distract me. 
Loch was a mud feast and there were loads of Geese and Swans. Spotted this Grouse wandering through the grass area. 
Walked into Holyrood Park and got higher and higher, looking down into the Loch. The thoughts of jumping were overwhelming. I moved into the middle of the road to walk (the road was closed to traffic) so I couldn't look. It was a strange walk, lots of thoughts, no thoughts, wanting to walk, not wanting to walk. 

Home for lunch, did a bit of a jigsaw and now thinking of taking diazepam  and going to sleep. Safer. I can't stop crying.