Cuddles

My theory is that trying to shed the layer of acquired emotions in the form of body fat is making said emotions very angry. I have no other explanation as to why I seem to be stuck in a vivid, infinite loop of reliving unhappy events.
The most prominent one is the moment I saw my father for the first time after hearing his cancer diagnosis. Papa was his stoic self; all about the quality not the quantity and I was standing in the kitchen for the longest time, completely and utterly incapable of handling it. Of even seeing him. Reliving it does nothing for me - I know this. It makes me feel inadequate, awkward and very, very sad.
And still, there it is. Over and over.

I gained a lot of weight around that time. Again. Some of it due to medication, some of it because I couldn't make even the smallest of decisions and just ate everything. Coping.
Patterns are hard to break, brains are hard to control - and right now they are telling me that if I would just eat something greasy or sugary all these bad feelings will go away. And I know that for a while, they will.

It's an addiction.

It's apparently easy to make fun of overweight people, the media does it all the time. I've seen it on Blip too. Generally it's not the Blipper - but the comments left by others have broken my heart on occasion. It may be easy to say something hurtful ('whale' is just 5 letters after all) - but it's just as easy to say something nice.
Who knows what battle people are fighting? They could very well be on my team.


Good things:

Knowing this will pass
Loose and/or fitting clothes
Cat cuddles