Paws for thought...

'Oi! Genghis Khat! Can you try to look a bit more excited please - don't you know what day it is?'

'Is it the happy day when you're not waddling around shoving a camera in everyone's face?'

'Rude. It is, as everyone knows, the birthday of my pal Broon!'

'Broon from Bathgate?  I know all  about him; he's owned by my cousin Tosh. You wouldn't believe the things I've heard about that man!!'

'Ooohhhh....do tell.'

'Well....for a start, he isn't the music aficionado he pretends to be. He's actually the secretary, chairman and to be honest, sole member, of the Bathgate Barry Manilow Fan Club!'

'But he's always so rude about Bazza!'

'A classic method of deflection. He thinks that if he insults Sir Manilow, we won't notice that he's had a nose job in honour of the great man! Why do you think he never posts a selfie?'

'Well I always assumed he was just shy.'

'Nope. It's because there isn't a wide angled lens in the country that could fit him and his hooter into one photo!'

'You have to admit though, his photos are very good.'

'Not really. They're all postcards he's bought in Lidl. He never goes out.'

'I'm shocked. What about all the stories he's told us about travels in Italy, holidays on Arran, golf games with his brother etc?'

'All nonsense. He never leaves the sofa. Well, you can't when your nose weighs you down that much....'

'And what About Mrs B? He mentions her often.'

'Nope. 'Mrs B' is the lady who dusts his shrine to Barry. And turns sheets into hankies for his enormous schnozz.....'

'Good grief - so how will he celebrate his birthday today?'

'The way he always does - by dressing up as Lola the Showgirl and getting Tosh to catch a pigeon for those feathers in his hair.....'