The anniversary of dad’s death.
Rainbows kept appearing. This morning there was even a faint one over the place where we scattered his ashes.

The rest is some of the unedifying detail that I just want to record because I’ll forget quickly as life rolls on ...

I’m really glad I came back down, even though it has used yet another week of holiday and I’m fearful I might struggle to keep going non-stop through the winter with not a lot of leave left. Having done so much to get to this point I wanted to finish I’m and I’m not sure how it would have happened otherwise. My brother had taken his remaining bits that I’d left in one corner. He declared that he was unable to move the only thing left that was his to move and suddenly declared it as ‘dad’s’ in a text. It meant the poor clearance guy having to do a second unplanned trip. Luckily when I arrived I had the foresight (little did I realise it at the time) to disinfect as soon as I arrived because they are incapable of cleaning up after themselves. The floor was wiped of rabbit shit and squashed lettuce, the bathrooms cleaned and disinfected along with all touch points I could think of, even the banister which wouldn’t normally have occurred to me. Meanwhile my sister was signed off sick and overwhelmed. We agreed there was no need for her come down for yesterday’s final clear out with two loads going with one guy and another guy with a van for a different trip.

Once they had all gone I cleared up a bit more and rattled around in peace.

That was all yesterday.
Today I had essentially done all I could so I got up and walked out for a high tide swim and a long walk.
I decided, as I walked, to text my brother and say my bit. It was dad’s anniversary and I realised if I didn’t say it now it would all just be suppressed, pushed back below the surface. I knew I had done everything now and didn’t care what, if any, response, I got, but I knew that I needed to say my piece.
I sent it. It was replied to in a rather defective way but I wasn’t bothered, I’d said my bit and felt clearer in myself and all ready to plunge in and then walk miles of empty beach. I thought of all of life that has passed here, lost partners, lost parents and now the lost root here. There seemed nothing and everything between me now and the child that used to bike down and walk along here all those years ago.

By the time I got back my sister had driven over. We sat and had lunch in the empty kitchen and then walked out getting caught in a shower (when this shot was taken). We went over to the neighbours for supper and my sister stopped there and I spent the last night in the house.

The final shock was finding out that my niece was covid positive and all the implications of that. Words fail me. Luckily the family have had negative tests.