I'm okay, and so are they

[Back-blip from Wednesday, February 13, 2013]

All my babies are grown now. I say this not in sorrow, but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: two young adults, both taller and stronger than I am. Two people who aren't afraid to disagree with me, who sometimes tell jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and manly smelling soaps, and privacy.

Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now. What to Expect When You're Expecting, T. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry, and how to sleep through the night, and early-childhood education - all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, crinkled, and well used. Flip through their pages, and dust rises like memories.

Every part of raising children is humbling. Plenty of mistakes were made. The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language - mine, not theirs. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The time we nearly lost each other in the zoo. The time I encouraged jumping on the bed for a photo opp, only to wind up rushing to the ER when my toddler fell off the bed. The tears, the vomit.

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this: I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the two of them, on the pre-school playground surrounded by a few other little boys, giggling, bandaids on foreheads. And I wish I could remember how they sounded, what we ate for lunch, what we talked about, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more, and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was my doing, and what was simply life unfolding. When they were small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be. The books said to be relaxed and supportive, and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and sometimes, over the top.

And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the two people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to bring out the best in me.

That's what the books never told me. I was so bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were.