Square Eyes

A lot of edits to do.... My sister printed it for me- all 364 pages to read line by line....! Speaking of lines, part of the problem seems to be working out why the paragraphing isn't correct, whether there should be gaps between them, and triple checking that there aren't any typos! I want to get it done as quick as I can, but I'm only 10 chapters in, and there's 40 of them! I've got a phone call on Tuesday with the typesetter who is also designing the cover, so I guess I can ask her then. I have no clue as to what the design should be either! 

It was sunny today, which was very welcome after a week of rain. Yesterday was still cold and I couldn't wait to get home from school. I arranged to go for a walk with H, a friend from school, just like we did a couple of weeks ago. It's fast becoming one of my favourite things to do. We walked way further than normal, to some woods that I hadn't been to before. It was so pretty, and we spent a good few hours just walking and talking. Time well spent. We've recently discovered that we have more in common than we realised- we both had difficult childhoods with fathers from hell... It's actually scary because it's so similar.

Having spent years feeling like there's something wrong with me, and through all my therapy being told the opposite, hearing another person who has suffered similar experiences helps to remind me that it wasn't me, it was the environment and the toxic person. She also gives me hope, as she is married with two lovely girls, one of whom I've taught. It's like if I ever say, "how do you feel when...?" she immediately gets it. Healing for us both I think just to be able to talk about it.

I clocked up 16k steps and quite a sore knee, but I had a lovely afternoon and we're going to keep it going. The only blight is my dad brooding because it's Father's Day tomorrow- a day I wish would do one- and saying to mum that he doesn't want any cards as he'll just put them in the bin. Said with a few expletives. I think it's a defence mechanism because he knows he won't be receiving any. So there's an air of tension which is spoiling the vibe.

I've discovered something else to explore in therapy next week- why can't I be happy when good things happen? My book is tantalisingly close to being published, and seeing it actually looking like one is a teeny bit exciting. 

When I got home yesterday, I got a message from a friend asking if I'd heard anything about the interview. I could see I had six unread emails, and I reluctantly checked them. To my genuine surprise, I have been offered a place at my current college, where I wanted to stay, after that car-crash of a Zoom interview....

I was a bit pleased, but mostly surprised and a bit confused, and it's taken the weekend for it to sit. It feels scary and uncomfortable, which is exactly why I need to respond and take it! Luckily one friend so far has also got a place (she thought hers went awfully too) and on the same day as me, which is a relief. My friend L is still waiting, and I'm so worried but keeping my fingers crossed for her. 

Stressful times.