Why I'm not Spiderman!

I can't:

1. Web- sling
2. Climb walls
3. Fight the forces of evil 24/7
4. Hold down two jobs

I haven't:

1. Been bitten by a spider
2. Had a nemesis (on a full time basis)

It's not possible for me to:

1. Put the mask over the whole of my head (perhaps the most serious issue)

I will:

1. Be in trouble if Son #2 sees me with this on my head!