The Hip Bone's Connected To The...

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellows,

This was the main excitement of the day. Caro's tree guy came by with two mates to cut down a bora-infested tree outside our fence (but still on our property). 

Me and Caro and the Man Next Door watched the whole operation. It was very exciting. They went at it with chainsaws and threw the bits into their wood-chipper. It was like a lot of films I've seen only there were no zombies or teenagers in underwear. 

Man Next Door took us up to his deck to survey our surroundings and he pointed out the path to the stream we can hear in the distance but have never seen. 

So that was exciting. So exciting in fact that Caro called Feefs to tell her all about it. 

Now the thing is, the pair talk every day. Typical topics of conversation are:

- Weight loss (today Caro has found she can fit into a pair of leather trousers)

- Houses (Feefs latest potential purchase has fallen through)

- How Shetland Dad Has Annoyed One of Them (today, he called Feefs especially to tell her about his latest $20 haircut)

But Feefs also got onto her latest fall at Roller Derby. I heard the whole thing. 

FEEFS: It was awful. I fell right on my vagina bone.
CARO: Your vagina bone?
FEEFS: Well. You know. My pubic bone... pubic area... "pubis" area... I was like BANG on my vagina, then stomach - boobs - chin. It was really painful.
CARO: This is the downside to losing all that weight. You've lost your padding.
FEEFS: Yes! And on getting "landscaped" down there.
CARO: Oooh. That's right. There's no bouncy bush to break your fall.
FEEFS: Maybe I could use an old lady maxi-pad.
CARO: Or you could get one of those things that cricket players wear. A box. 
FEEFS: A bush in the box? I'm not sure.

This brought the pair back to another subject you are all-too familiar with - Feefs's laser treatment down there. It is still ongoing. 

CARO: How is it still ongoing? How many sessions does it take?
FEEFS: Well, parts of it are smooth. I really love them. It's like stroking the inside of your wrist now. But other bits are still...
CARO: How much? How much hair. I need comparisons. How hairy?
FEEFS: Well, it's not as thick as my husband's beard... 
CARO: What? Was it EVER as thick as that? You poor woman.
FEEFS: Anyway. The beautician says she's now putting me "under observation". I'm not allowed to directly shave the area, just around it. Like the bumhole...
CARO: She actualy SAID, "bumhole"?
FEEFS: Yes. She doesn't use the technical lingo. So now I've got to do bumhole - arse - lips and inner lips.
CARO: Ooooooh!
FEEFS: Yes. It's all very precarious.

Needless to say, I was CRYING listening to this very earnest conversation which then got onto hair colour, "Oh yes, I'm grey down there as well now" and armpits, which are Feefs's next target area. "I'm not allowed to shave there either. It's like I've gone feral."

So it's been an interesting day. I've learned a lot about landscaping. Probably more than I wanted to. And now I've shared it all with you.

You lucky, lucky, people.

S.