Remember me with a smile: Acceptance

Ever since the lockdown was announced this date has sat forlorn in the diary; the day I wander in the wonder to try and salve my soul, the day I give my remembrance in the high wild places where I feel closest to finding my reason. It's come to mean a lot to me this walking and talking with the memory of Mum, a way to make this day special for her still.

And then those infernal rules...hmphhh...social responsibility...doing-the-right-thing. Hmphhhh.

I knew I could have gone, I oh so nearly did in the early hours while the world slept on. There's no version of me that would have called a team out if it went wrong, put anyone at risk, but equally I'd never want the people I love to have those hours of worry. And I know. Be your best you when you can. Even if that isn't your always you.

In the last couple of years this day has been a physical struggle, a special thing so nearly lost. But still I've craved the challenge, needed to push myself again, wanted to see the edge, even if I've felt far from it's meaning, perhaps lost to it's truth. But, ever and always, a but. This year, with mum a decade gone and me a decade different, that's not the me stood here on this day. Maybe tomorrow, certainly many a yesterday, but not this today not for now.
Today with the high places out of reach I was thankful I'm now aware enough to know the truth of what this day really is, what it really means. Today while I still try to make sense of so much I decided to show mum my place in this world; a long looping wander of where we live, somewhere she never got to visit. This is the place I've lived longest in my entire life, the first place a little lost boy has called home. It seemed right to show someone I love where I love.

Me, my mum and Missy walked out the hole in the wall and made our way up onto the high fell & past the lonely larch. We paused and gave thanks that as every year this special day was simply stunning again. We smiled in remembrance of a beautiful white dog's song heard often in this her most favourite place. Then with the warm sun on our backs, and that song still lingering on the wind we wandered out onto the shining stones. We made our way hopping across grikes from clint to clint, physically stronger than in a long time, mentally calmer than in, well, a decade, Missy's exuberance the hope of tomorrow made manifest.
I've pushed myself to write more this year. To take the snippets of conversation me & mum share in the special moments, to acknowledge the days the abyss calls, to try and map the stars that lit my way out of the dark. In doing so, I've pondered much on Ms Kubler-Ross's cycle of grief. I've written about it before, I've scorned it, denied it, rejected it. But recently, I've felt a sense; the catharsis of committing words to paper, the reward of giving unto others, talking to so many people about their own dark days. Trying to be a candle, telling people the how of why I think I've walked into the light, maybe found a way, my way at least - it's made me pause.
Today is the day I make a reckoning. Denial was never really an option, maybe a waking moment before reality crashed back to being. Anger however was and is undeniable, a fire it's taken this decade to bring under control. Bargaining; If only I could, I'd make that deal. Depression. I think Ms Kubler-Ross was just being kind when she didn't call this reality. And then Acceptance.
How do you accept the abhorrent? How do you make a peace with the broken pieces of a life?
And yet. Walking with Mum today I heard her laugh again, I felt her love making me strong, lifting me up and I smiled a lot in the remembering.

For today at least I can accept that.
Kx.