Fresh Hell

Dear O'H dear and Lovely Tea Jenny,

I had arranged to head out with Smashley after work so I decided to get the bus this morning instead of cycling.

Bus journeys are a bit like childbirth. Time passes, you think “it can’t really have been THAT bad” and decide to do it again.

I swear to god, next time I am going to walk in the wazzing rain rather than get on the number Twenty tw@tting Four in rush hour.

It started with the very loud teenage girl behind me who was doing the most convincing impression of Lauren Cooper I have ever heard. Except on speed. And not an impression.

“You totally can’t ever tell someone that they’re depressed because that’s just rude (small pause for breath) I mean would never tell anyone that they are depressed because I’ve been through stuff in my life (lowers voice) I don’t want to swear in case there are kids on this bus but I have been through ACTUAL sh1t like ACTUAL sh1t oh and you can’t tell anyone because it’s a big secret but you know Sally - well her mum told a friend who told my mum that her dad is in prison and it’s true OMG can you believe that”*

Thankfully, she got off the bus and the woman next to me looked up and sighed with relief. “I think my ears are bleeding.” I said. “Mine too,” she agreed and we revelled in the peace.

For about three seconds.

Because gobby teenager had been drowning out Mr Busy and Important - on his phone but wearing headphones and NO concept of his speaking volume.

“YES, I WAS VERY BUSY AND IMPORTANT ON THAT VERY HIGH PROFILE PROJECT DOING VERY IMPORTANT THINGS WHICH KEPT ME VERY BUSY”

I definitely needed a beer after work!

C

*The lack of punctuation is accurate