Walk Out Backwards & I'll Think You're Walking In

My Dear Fellows and Dear Princess, 

Sometimes I struggle with blip. It is not so much the picture (thank you Jasper) but the story that goes with it. I would like to be able to tell you something interesting and diverting every single day, but everyday life is so often mundane and dull.

I could spice things up for you by going skydiving I suppose but eff that for a lark. Consequently I find myself sometimes falling back on memories to tell you about. And today, for some reason I woke up with "Lucille" running through my head. You know the one, the "two hungry children and a crop in the field" one.

"Oh that's right," I thought. "I could talk about country music."

I grew up disliking country music and it is all Jim Reeves' fault. Fecking Jim Reeves. My parents used to play his records all the time until it drove me bonkers. 

And then there was Wogan who used to play sodding country music every morning before I went to school. His favourite was Kenny Rogers. So I started to develop an association between "Coward of the County" and feeling miserable because I had P.E. in twenty minutes.

And that was it. I like every kind of music but country, I decided.

That was until Soozle came along. She introduced me to Linda Ronstadt, who had that Californian folk-rock vibe. That hazy, summery sound that Fleetwood Mac all shagged each other to. But what I didn't realise was that Linda is like the gateway drug that leads to Emmylou Harris, Gram Parsons and COUNTRY MUSIC*.

So country became more acceptable to me. Things turned serious when Chris Isaak did his thing on "Twin Peaks" and Auslaender loaned me a copy of Ultimate Torch and Twang. Auslaender also taught me that country song titles could be funny, like "How Can I Tell You That I Love You (When You're Sitting On My Face)" by mystery-writing cowboy Kinky Friedman**. 

Then Caro came along. She LOOOOOVES country music. Especially Dolly Parton and Patsy Cline. Also Kenny Rogers. 

Feck.

So that is how I found myself attending AN ACTUAL KENNY ROGERS CONCERT in 2013. I wasn't looking forward to it. 

But it turned out to be possibly THEEEEEE best concert I have ever been to. And the reason is this - Kenny is effing hilarious! It was like the best stand-up I've ever been to. He immediately picked on the bloke in the front row with his arms crossed.

KENNY: See? There's always someone like you at my concerts. Dragged along by yuh wife? But you HATE mah goddam music, don't'cha? I ken tell by the way you're sittin' there.

The man smiled and laughed along. I think he was hoping that was the end of it. But no, Kenny picked on him ALL NIGHT.

KENNY: Ah tell yuh whut. Fer every song ah sing tonight that yew don't lahk, I'll give yuh ten dollars.

Then he threw a ten-dollar note at the man and launched into "Lucille". The whole audience found themselves swaying along to the melody. Kenny stopped the song.

KENNY: Will yuh STOP that godammed SWAYIN'! It's like being in a room full a' Ray Charles!

What a grumpy old bastard! I was really starting to LIKE Kenny. He continued to throw money at the man in the front row and did all of his hits including "Islands in the Stream" (ten dollars) "Coward of the County" (ten dollars) "Ruby (Don't Take Your Love to Town)" (ten dollars) and then it was time for the encore.

KENNY: See. This is the part of the show where ah pretend to leave and you pretend you want me to come back while ah hide behind a goddam curtain. Screw it, I'm too OLD fer that bullshit. Ah'm gonna stay out here and y'all can clap and cheer anyway.

We did. Including me. 

When he did eventually leave the stage, Kenny addressed the man in the front row one last time.

KENNY: Yew have been so great, buddy, and ah know ah've been makin' fun a' yew all evenin'. So fer bein' such a good sport, here's the contents of my wallet. 

(And here Kenny threw dozens of notes at the guy).

KENNY: Also, here's a Kenny Rogers t-shirt. Yew put it on raht now, d'ye hear? Fits real good don't it? Now I want you to leave here tonight still wearin' it.

(And here Kenny addressed the rest of the audience).

KENNY: And the rest of yuh, what ah want yew to do is follow this feller back to his car. And if he takes that t-shirt off, beat the livin' SHIT out of him.

So there you have it. I am a convert. I know when to hold them and I know when to fold them. I know when to walk away and I know when to run. 

STOP THAT GODDAM SWAYIN'!!

S.

* Other gateway country drugs include the album "Hotel California" and the film "9 to 5".

** It was in a Kinky Friedman mystery novel that I learned how to READ MINDS. Let me prove it to you. I can read your mind, even all these miles away in New Zealand. 

So concentrate. CONCENTRATE, or I won't be able to pick up on your vibrations. You need to pick a number between one and ten and VISUALISE it. Are you visualising...? I think I'm getting something...

But no, no - you're not thinking hard enough. I need you to help me by multiplying your original number by nine. And then, if the result is a two digit number, please add them together to make a one digit number. And then subtract five from it... 

Are you doing all this? Because, seriously. It is still fuzzy to me. I need you to concentrate harder. I need you to allocate a letter of the alphabet to the number you now have. Where 1 equals A, 2 equals B and so on. 

Have you done that? Now I need you to think of a country that starts with the letter you came up with. Yes... yes... the mist is starting to clear... Now think of an animal that starts with the LAST LETTER of the country you thought of... And finally I need you to SEE a colour that starts with the last letter of the animal you thought of. 

Are you seeing it??? Are you?? The country? The animal? The colour? It's coming through... I'm getting something...

I didn't know there were orange kangaroos in Denmark, ya fecking weirdo.

Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

Seriously. I nearly made Caro's friend Grant faint when I did that to him.