Jesus Wept

My Dear Fellows and Dear Princess Normal,

All our visitors have gone and things are very much back to normal here now. Including the weather. The phrase "four seasons in one day" is so NOT just a song. Today it was like, "Wellington, make up yer effing MIND."  I was boiling hot taking this picture as I was wearing a jumper and a winter coat. This was after I freeze-arsed my way to work this morning in a howling wintry wind.

But that is not what I wish to talk about today. What I wanted to share with you is another Lemon story. I bloody love her tales of PI life. It feels familiar, but not. With her tales of intimidating grannies and over-feeding aunties, it could be Yorkshire, but then there's things like "White Days".

"Qu'est-ce que c'est?"* you may ask. I will tell you.

It started with the revelation that Lemon has signed up her boys for Samoan football. I kind of admire the way that the Cook Islanders, Samoans, Niueans etc all try very hard to keep a sense of identity, but are still Kiwis too.

Well I say that. Sometimes it sounds cool. Sometimes it sounds annoying. Lemon was told that yes, her boys could participate in Samoan football, but they had to take part in "Samoan White Day" first.

"Aw eff," said Lemon. "How many HOURS will that take?"

"No more than four," she was told.

"Aw EFF."

As you may know, Lemon is not at all religious and a White Day is when all the Samoan families march into church ("Accompanied by actual marching music," observed Lemon sourly) and then sit through an entirely Samoan-language service. 

Two things you should know before I go on with the rest of this story:

1) Lemon's Samoan is about as good as my German. 
2) Samoan is apparently a really long-winded language. One English word equates to about three or four in Samoan.

Once all the families are settled, then the children from each family have to go up and deliver a greeting, a short verse from the Bible, citing the book, chapter and verse and then a thank you for listening.

"Just saying the CHAPTER and VERSE in Samoan is long-winded enough!" protested Lemon. "It takes FOREVER!"

Because her boys don't speak much Samoan either, they were equally unenthusiastic. But Lemon was ready to help out, and she found the shortest verse in the entire Bible for them. 

If you are a terrible heathen WHO DOESN'T KNOW THE TRUE WORD OF THE MESSIAH** then I'll remind you of the shortest verse. It is from the Gospel of John, Chapter 11, Verse 35.

"Jesus wept."

This made life easier for Lemon's boys. They just got up, gave their rehearsed introduction, cited the chapter and verse and then said, "Jesus wept". Thank you, thank you. And then they sat down again.

Just one problem.

It seems that every Samoan family was on to the same dodge. So as soon as Lemon's boys were back in the pew, another kid was up. 

"Hello everybody, my name is Jordan, from the Gospel of John, Chapter 11, Verse 35, Jesus wept, thankyou, thankyou..." 

Then -

"Good morning, my name is Veke, John, Chapter 11, Verse 35, Jesus wept, thanks everybody..." 

Also -

"Good morning, my name is Lisa, Jesus wept, John 11:35, thank you..."

Lemon rolled her eyes at me. "All these parents were up, with their cameras, taking pictures, crying, applauding, and all for 'Jesus wept' over and over." 

That was until one kid, who clearly hadn't read the memo, got up. Either that, or he just couldn't be bothered with the greeting. This five year old leapt onto the stage and kept shouting, "JESUS WEPT! JESUS WEPT! JESUS WEPT!" in Samoan to the worshippers.

"He was having such a great time," said Lemon. "His parents had to get up there and then they started chasing him about trying to shut him up, but he was ducking behind the altar and round to the front again, still yelling, 'JESUS WEPT'. It took both of them and the vicar to catch him in the end."

So you see what I mean? I cannot help but feel I am missing out on prime comedy moments sometimes. Maybe I need to start learning some Samoan. 

I might have to start with, "Na tagi Lesu".

S. 

* Fa fa fa FA fa, fa fa fa FA fa.
** Or you don't have Google.