John O: A Tribute

My Dear Fellows and Dear Princess Normal,

At work at the moment, Lemon is struggling with our vendors. We don't have an IT team of our own you see, so all our requirements go out to companies like Fujitsu and Davanti who then put forward their proposals as to how they will achieve our aims, and naturally they low-ball each other* when it comes to producing quotes.

As a result, once they HAVE the contract, then they start noticing all the difficult parts and try to cut corners and skip bits. As for things like handover documentation and building test jobs.. well that was never in their estimates, so make of that what you will.

I tried to head this off at the pass by reviewing their code. A few months back I start waving red flags around and saying I had concerns. 

"You're distracting them," said Smock, because she is an idiot. This was back when we conceivably had time to do something about fixing crappy code. But no, Smock told me to stop checking and leave them alone on the theory that they would, "fix up the quality at the end."

If you issued forth with a derisive laugh just then, I'm guessing you have been a developer at some point in your life.

PLUS they don't document anything. PLUS they haven't written test cases yet. PLUS they haven't even considered performance testing. And now they are nearly finished. 

I think we have all been through this enough times in a project to know it is going to end in tears. 

So anyway, it is all going pear-shaped for poor Lemon right now. "I'm very concerned," said Smock.

I FECKING WELL TOLD YOU SO, is something I was far too professional to say out loud.

So anyway, this week we got a pitiful excuse for an implementation plan. Still no test cases. Still no performance. And where's the backout plan, I asked. 

"The what?"

I explained it was kind of NORMAL to know how you planned to back out software if it was effing rubbish. I might have put it more nicely than that. I then added they also needed ANOTHER test plan for testing the backout. I was looked at with sheer horror by the bloke leading the vendor team.

I apologised to Lemon afterward. I told her how I used to have to work with a fellow named John O. who was the manager of the support team at Standard Life.

"He was a complete nob," I told Lemon. "Always nit-picking every tiny little detail. The irritating thing was that he was always right."

It's true. Princess knows of whom I speak. He was actually quite an affable chap, except when he was in Support Manager Mode. He had the worn, harried air of a man who was used to being called out at 4am and WASN'T EFFING STANDING FOR IT ANYMORE. Everything had to be documented. Everything had to be tested. Everything had to be signed off. 

"He was SUCH a pain," I explained to Lemon. "But he was right. So I'm really sorry, to be a nob, but I feel like I have to channel him at times like this."

"No, no," said Lemon. "It's good. Channel the nob. BE the nob. FEEEEEL the nob."

I'm not sure I like how she put that. But if that is what it takes I shall be the biggest nob at MPI this week. 

NONE SHALL PASS.

etc.

S.

* Not as rude as it sounds.