My life seems to be almost entirely about mitigating loss interspersed by the odd swim, walk and a lot of work in between.

After a long call about mum and dad’s I felt utterly fed up and just drove. Absurdly, I went to where some of my husband’s ashes are scattered. It was too far to go really but as soon as I turn left and head off the motorway I am generally a happier bear over there. A radio programme which was very good (about hands/our bodies as the thing we occupy, inseparably, obviously) just saddened me further in terms of often feeling as though I’m dead in my body. Probably didn’t help with this ... https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mOrdWbqp85E

After my swim I sat and wondered at the rocks covered with barnacles and limpets. These shells...homes ... and all that goes with them. I feel overwhelmed and can’t stop crying (will a day ever pass when I don’t cry?) and I’m not entirely sure why. It isn’t for obvious reasons, although they apply, but like most things it feels so much more complicated, multilayered, multifaceted, and just yet more to pile on to the overwhelm.

Today, Sunday, as I write this I’ve just exhausted myself changing the bed linen and I thought I’d turn the mattress. I’m not sure it I’ve done that since he died but I’m wondering now if my head is where his feet were. Anyway, whatever. I saw my neighbour drive off looking dapper and fresh. Who would have guessed at last night’s slagging match? I decided to sit in the dark of the stairs and cry. Outside is looking so much nicer than they said it would. I shouldn’t have heeded the motorway gantry signs warning of apocalyptic weather yesterday and could have camped over. Oh well, perhaps I’ll drag myself out for a swim before the week starts again and I haul myself back to the world.

p.s. by way of light relief... a bit of a wry thought helped the day along ... I wonder if barnacles and limpets have attachment issues ...?!
Thinking that also made me wonder about humour and depression and someone I saw last week with humour bypass and it made me thank the gods for capacity for humour. Now, they don’t talk about that in their ridiculous manualised approaches. Funnily enough Hal doesn’t have much humour either...I asked him if I should be going next door and picking up the revolver when I had another critical telephone supervision on Friday. He just doesn’t seem to get onside. I wonder if he really IS Hal!