The Grief of Milton Keynes

I am in the grip of depression. I also spent the night in Milton Keynes.

I am not in the right frame of mind to confirm or deny the presence of any connection between these two facts.

Involuntarily reflective, low and constantly on the verge of tears, apparently this is positive as I am moving well through the different stages of grief. I’ve also found out that there is not a specified order to these stages. They come at random and sometimes even more than once.

I feel like Denial is constantly floating in the background, “it’s just an extended, really bad dream. It’s a cruel joke” etc., but all the while I know that it’s neither. Question: If you’re aware that you’re in Denial and know that the thoughts Denial brings are false, are you really in Denial?

I’ve definitely burnt my way through Anger in the early stages of this mess. It got me through and whilst I am in pain, I have cast Anger aside because a) it is exhausting to be angry all the time and b) aside from powering you through those initial dark days, it serves no purpose and it doesn’t make you much fun to be around and right now, I need people around me.

I think I’ve skirted around Bargaining (offers of olive branches, are you sure this is what you want etc.), but because I know that there is absolutely no chance of a reconciliation and also am not currently in possession of a time machine, I have nothing to bargain with or for, so this phase is also redundant to me.

Acceptance. Whilst the other stages may move around and switch running orders. For me, Acceptance will always be the final stage, because it means you’ve put the others behind you and can truly move forward. I feel like I have a line of sight to Acceptance. It’s still a way away admittedly, but I can see it. It’s the peak of the mountain hidden behind the low hanging clouds and misty rains of Depression, but it is there.

I’m not going to reach it and move through Depression by just sitting here, so it is time to stand once more, fasten some protective layers around me and move forward through the rain.

It is also definitely time to leave Milton Keynes.