Repeating Oneself

My Dear Fellows & Dear Princess Normal,

Given that Caro is still feeling under the weather, we were never going to achieve much today. My biggest plan is to get Caro ready for Endgame by showing her the VITAL previous movies. Today, "Avengers Assemble".

So to keep you entertained, I logged into my old Yahoo! email account and trotted down memory lane. I found this fake work email, which I circulated on HOST about six weeks after we finally implemented our hideously complicated new commission system. 

As I recall, most of you knew it was me taking the piss right away, but I think it fooled Pickett until she started reading it proper.

You may remember it...

S.

Dear David,

In view of problems with the commission system and the complexity of introducing new products/commission basis, a radical new commission type has been proposed.                                           
                                                                              
This type has the benefit of not only being simpler and therefore cheaper to administer, we also feel it will prove popular with IFA networks and other distributors of our products.                 

Therefore from the beginning of the financial year 2001, all existing types of commission (indemnified, renewal, level and fund-based) will be scrapped and replaced with the new commission basis, which is currently being referred to as the "Tenner and a bar of chocolate" commission basis.                           
                                                                                
In simple terms, any person or organisation who sells one of our products from 1st April 2001 will receive via first-class post a ten-pound note and a bar of chocolate (milk, white or plain).

We feel that this will be hugely popular with our distributors throughout the UK and the Republic of Ireland. It also has the benefit that it will be relatively easy to convert to the European Currency Unit (at which point it would become the "twelve point seven Euro and a Bar of Chocolate" commission basis.*

Benefits will also be felt in teleservicing and other areas which currently require manual effort. If there is any doubt as to how much an IFA is owed, we will merely send them ANOTHER tenner and a bar of chocolate. Any complaints will be dealt with by sending the agent a nice balloon.

A similar approach will be taken on any audit/compliance issues raised by administrative bodies. Depending on the seriousness of the matter our representatives will be authorised to dispatch chocolates, balloons, flowers or bottles of wine. In very serious circumstances we may even take the Securities Investment Bureau out to a bar and get it drunk.

These ideas have now been passed to the marketing department. Their recommendations follow:

MARKETING DEPARTMENT INPUT

We feel this is an exciting, radical approach to the payment of commission which will certainly give us an edge over our competition. However, we have to  move fast. There are already rumours of Scottish Widows distributing Beanie-babies and novelty tea-towels to their agents. Therefore, we think it necessary that our distributors be given more choice in the way they receive their tenner and bar of chocolate.

Option 1:                                                                       
In order to encourage agents to service policies for their duration, we feel  that one bar of chocolate is not enough. We shall therefore send them a Chunky Kit-Kat every month for the first 24 to 48 months followed (after the end of the Kit-Kat period) by one Smartie per month.

(Note: Obviously giving them one Smartie per month is ridiculous, so we would merely store them until the agreed "Smartie Threshold" had been reached (one tube) at which point the Smarties would be sent.)

Option 2:
For particularly hungry agents, who do not wish to wait one month for a bar of chocolate, we intend to introduce an option whereby they receive a King Size Toblerone up front. In the event of the policyholder cancelling, or reducing their premiums during the first 24 to 48 months of the policy, we would calculate the proportion of Toblerone due to the company** and the agent would be required to return this.

In the event of the agent having eaten all the Toberone already, the company has decided to waive its right to reclaim.

Option 3:
The amount of chocolate received by the agent would depend on the value of the premium held in a fund. "Fund based chocolate" would then be calculated once a month and the agent would receive anything from an one stick of Twix, or one square of Dairy Milk, up to an entire Grab Bag of Aeros.

Given the complexity and difficulty of administering all these different chocolate options, we feel it is necessary for the IT division to develop another new commission system. However, this may be costly and take too long. Another option would be for the existing system to be enhanced to take chocolate premiums, commission and payments into account.  

Since this is a core system, already in place with an experienced team maintaining it, we think this change should only take about 5 minutes to do.

Do you think you could look into the feasibility of this new commission system (which we are currently referring to as "Chocolate Teapot") and come back to us asap, with a design and estimates as to how long it would take?

Regards,

A. Manager        
                                                                                
*  Due to changes in the currency rate since this paragraph was typed, we have been informed that the correct term is now the "Ten point Nine Euro and a Bar of Chocolate" commission basis.                                   
                                                                                
** Calculated to the nearest average bite.  (1 bite = 3 nibbles.)