Do Not Touch The (BAD WORD)-icorn

My Dear Princess & Dear Fellows,

Left to right: Joshua, me, LouLou and Tiger. They came over tonight to celebrate me being 50, Caro and me going on our first date 20 years ago, Joshua's birthday this week and LouLou and Tiger getting engaged.

Actually they were supposed to come over LAST month but a death in the family meant that LouLou and Tiger had to go back to the UK and so our plans were postponed.

Despite the sad occasion, it sounds like L&T had a good time. And as Tiger put it, it prompted him to think about how much fun he had with LouLou and how they had been together five years and well, what the heck...

"Also I got a free ring from my dead aunt," added LouLou. 

They are not traditional people, and were busy planning their alternate wedding with us last night. As you can imagine, we fully support them in this. They actually liked our innovation of having the wedding somewhere just for us, then having a couple of receptions/parties afterward. I do hope we will get invited to one of theirs.

While in England, LouLou was tasked with clearing out all of her aunt's stuff. This was no small task as she had turned into a hoarder of the sort you see on the telly. She had even stopped washing because her bathroom was full of stuff. So poor LouLou had to throw out rooms and rooms and rooms of rubbish.

"And porn. So much porn," she told us. It turns out that the auntie and her deceased husband had  been 70's swingers. The place was full to the brim with "dusty 1970's pornography" and yucky toys. LouLou gave us an extremely graphic description of some of the poses in the magazines and some of the out-of-control down-below hairstyles. 

She took one carload after another of dirty magazines to the tip, hoping that she wouldn't get pulled over by the police. It was on the third trip that she arrived to find that the local youth had discovered what she was up to and were helping themselves to it. 

Fortunately Tiger followed her to the UK about a week later (he had been in Australia, visiting his family). "I timed it perfectly," he told us. "What day is the funeral? Yeah, I'll be there the day after." From his arrival, the pair had a much more fun time of it and even managed a trip to a three-day Fairy Festival.

"I read about it in the UK's fourth most popular Fairy magazine," LouLou explained*. From what we could make out, a Fairy Festival mainly consists of people going around dressed as fairies. "There was also a mermaid in a tank," Tiger added.

"And a unicorn," LouLou told us.

"A grumpy f*** of a unicorn," Tiger said. 

"It's true," LouLou said. "After two days of being ridden around by fairies and having his picture taken and having to wear the outfit with the horn, he was really pissy. We renamed him the c**t-icorn."

"Do not touch the c**t-icorn," warned Tiger.

And I should add that all this chat was within the first half hour. Big bushes and evil unicorns. It all went downhill from there. Auslaender, as you may have noticed from the picture above, all three of our guests were sporting their "F**kup Frankfurt" t-shirts which I bought them for Xmas.

So it was a good night. Champagne was uncorked and we all got pished enough to laugh a lot, but not so pished as to end up spewing out the window. We enjoyed our night with the f**kups a lot.

S.

* Which led to the questions, "How many Fairy magazines ARE there in the UK?" and "Also, what the eff?"