Joint Birthday

My Dear Fellows & Dear Princess Normal,

Today it is a public holiday in New Zealand, "Queen's Birthday" is always the first Monday in June. Last year it coincided with MY birthday. 

Which begs the question, if her birthday keeps moving around like that, how on earth do you keep track of when to post the card? Poor Meghan. 

Today's picture is Jasper, reacting to the 21-gun salute down by the harbour. EFFING KEEP THE NOISE DOWN LIZ!

But since today is a public holiday, we decided it was MY birthday too. Caro gave me my presents a day early; Caro got me an air-fryer and the boys got me books about NZ birds. Because the boys know I love me a kakapo.

I celebrated Her Maj's birthday in true patriotic fashion by watching an episode of "True Story With Hamish & Andy". This story concerns a lady called Dani, who fell in love at the age of 10 with Brett, the boy who sat next to her on the school bus. Awwww...

Sadly, she lost touch with him over the years, but was ECSTATIC when he sent her a friend request on Facebook about 15 years later. She immediately went into Mad Wedding Lady mode, started referring to him as hashtag "BusHusband" to all of her mates, immediately began a wedding plan journal, and commenced shopping for her engagement ring. 

The impediment was location; she was in Sydney and he was in Broome, so a long-distance relationship started. But then he asked her to meet up with him for a romantic week in Perth. 

OH EM GEE. And so forth.

She planned the week to the nth degree. Had all of her outfits picked out, including backup outfits in case of bad weather. Everything was sorted. Except, something had slipped her mind. Something KIND OF VITAL.

In all the excitement, she had FORGOTTEN TO POO. 

For EIGHT DAYS.

By the day of the flight, Dani was seriously backed up and was letting go with donkey-frightening farts. She tried to poo during the flight, but those little toilets are CRAMPED and she was barked at by a surly stewardess and that made it go back up. When her flight landed she SPRINTED for the public toilet but Brett POUNCED out at her with a big bunch of flowers, the effing thoughtful eejit. So she was escorted from the airport with sad, longing backward glances at the toilet.

When they got to their holiday Airbnb, they found it was just lovely. But small, and with just one toilet. "So he would always be within eight feet of me pooing, and I didn't think it would necessarily be quiet," explained Dani. So she formulated an EVIL PLAN. 

She ordered a pizza and fed it to him, filling him up with heavy carbs and washing it down with wine. Plenty of wine. Knock the bugger out, she thought. Her plan worked, and soon Brett was fast asleep. But Dani had to be sure. She waited until 3am and then poked him in the face a few times. Nothing. She was safe.

She tip-toed to the toilet, imagining the sweet relief. But to her horror, found that due to the stress of the situation, nothing was going on down below. This was HER ONE CHANCE. She was determined. THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. She PUSHED. And STRAINED. And held her breath and SHOVED. 

"I started to sweat and tingle," explained Dani. "My vision started to blur and the room span. And then I fainted."

I did NOT know you could pass out from pooing! I love educational programmes.

So anyway, the next thing she knew, Brett was stood over her, asking, "Are you all right?" And she realised she was not looking at her most glamorous. Face-down on the toilet floor with her skirt hitched up and her knickers around her ankles. Fortunately, Brett took it well when she explained the situation. Dani was able to relax enough to remedy herself, and they went on to have a lovely week. 

Sadly, they are not still together. Or maybe that is for the best. I mean, can you imagine telling your kids the story of how you met?

So that is how I celebrated my joint birthday with Liz II. Oh, I also watched "Stan and Ollie". The performances in that film are just eerie. I really liked it and had a bit of a cry at the end. I'm such a softie.

S.