Bored Contractors

My Dear Princess & Dear Fellows,

At the minute, Lemon is working her way through a pile of document templates that need updated. As for me, I'm producing spreadsheets of data from an old system that needs to be converted to the new.

We frequently turn to each other and sigh. 

"Is it time to go home yet?" 

If it is not, we amuse each other with stories. As I may have mentioned before, Lemon considers herself super-fertile and able to squish out kids without batting an eyelash.

"It's because I have a very high threshold for pain," she explained. "I once cut the tip of my finger off, but tidied up the blood before I took myself to the emergency room."

It turns out that it is not always a good thing. She "slept through" one of her labours, to the point where she realised she was about to give birth way too late. She got to the hospital in the nick of time and according to her, ended up sprinting down a corridor. 

"I am NOT giving birth in the effing hallway," she told herself. She launched herself onto the gurney in the delivery room and - DUNK - there was the baby. I'm not kidding, she used the word, "dunk".

"I can't tell other women this," she told me. "My daughter in law was in labour for 20 hours and I was all, 'Hmmmm... yeah... terrible, isn't it?'"

Not that it is entirely pain-free. She told me that giving birth to one of her younger sons got very dull for the midwife and for her eldest son on account of she "kept it in because I suddenly remembered that it hurts your fanny on the way out."

"Are you having contractions?" said the midwife accusingly.

"Mmmmmaybe?" said Lemon.

"Look, I've got a machine, I can see that you are," retorted the midwife. 
"Bloody well PUSH next time."

"I don't want to, it will hurt."

At this point her son came in the room. He'd been watching "Once Were Warriors" on his laptop. "Mum, the movie's over. Get a move on."

"Zzzzz," said Lemon.

"Wake UP," said the midwife.

"Sorry," said Lemon.

"PUSH," said the midwife.

"Aaaah," said Lemon. 

"You are NOT pushing. You are just saying, 'ah'," said the midwife.

In the end Lemon did as she was told. It's probably a good thing she did, or she'd have a 9 year boy still stuck up there by now.

(Sigh)

Is it time to go home yet? 

It is?!?

Yaaaaaaaaaaay.

S.