All This Is Terribly Amusing, Inspector...

Preface: Caro got back from Tauranga today. Now you are all caught up.

My Dear Princess,

One thing I have never really mentioned to you before, is that during the darkest days of RX, I amused myself by writing little plays.

It started like this. I was supposed to write error reports, outlining the cause of all defects and giving details on their resolution. Like this - 

Error: Terminations using 'H' prefixed policies failed because process was unable to find rows for them on IB_LEGACY_DATA.
Solution: New program NRXPLOP was introduced into the instruction set, program will reformat H prefixed policies only.

But because I am me, and because anything with colons in it looks like a play, my error reports evolved subtly, over time.

PROBLEM: No commission details show for an FBRC single premium.
SOLUTION: A shadow schedule is now created, and is connected to the correct FBRC premium schedule.
LADY EMILY: Oh Henry! How could you!
LORD HENRY: It's a damned filthy lie, I tell you!
INSPECTOR GRIMES: I'm afraid not m'lady - you see Lord Henry arranged to meet Lord Humphrey by the davenport, thus allowing plenty of time to do him in with an ornamental letter-opener, then absail down the side of the house and be in the drawing room with you just 5 minutes later.
LORD HENRY: You're damned clever Grimes - perhaps too clever!
(He pulls out a gun - a shot rings out).
LADY EMILY : Eek!
LORD HENRY: Haha!
GRIMES: Bugger. (Curtain)

The RX project, as I have previously mentioned, went on for QUITE SOME TIME. And the plays became more and more elaborate. Lord Humphrey got murdered numerous times, Lady Emily (it was revealed) was having a sordid affair with the gardener, while (this being the 1990's) Lord Henry and Inspector Grimes both became embroiled in a bitter rivalry for the affections of Gillian Anderson.

I also introduced a character based on an analyst I knew. "Mad Dog" Barker was a manly, heroic type who had affairs with dozens of C-grade celebrities in my plays. Mainly Wincey Willis, Carol Vorderman and all of the Nolan Sisters.

And now perhaps it becomes clear WHY the RX project took so long.

My point is this. I love murder mysteries. I love it when suspects are gathered into the drawing room so that Inspector Grimes can do his summation. I love the sordid affairs and the family secrets. I love it when people say, "I put it to you..." and "A frightfully amusing theory, but where is your PROOF?" and "Damn you! You meddlesome little Belgian!"

Fortunately Caro is just the same. It may be the main reason we are married. So I couldn't resist getting us tickets for "The Mousetrap" when it came to Wellington. 

Sadly, I remembered whodunnit, but it came as a complete shock to Er Indoors who enjoyed the play very much, so I regard today as a success. 

My Dear Fellows, it did my heart good to sit through the play today. I thought of you both and of the innocent (well - only mildly filthy) fun we had giggling over double entendres like this:

GRIMES: And so Lord Henry, only YOU could possibly have placed the landmine on Lord Humphrey's lavatory seat!
LADY EMILY: Oh Henry! How could you!
LORD HENRY: It's a damn filthy LIE, I tell you!
GRIMES: But even though he avoided death, he still underwent an horrific experience. In the resultant explosion, his trousers were blown clear off! His ballcock and flange were retrieved from a roof three streets away!
LADY EMILY: Ooh I say!
GRIMES: Quite, Lady Emily! It has since been repaired, but Lord Humphrey says he's still afraid to pull on it in case it comes off in his hand!

I know, I know. It's childish and stupid. But much like Samantha & Sven jokes on "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" it still works for me. 

S.