Bottled up.

Paige James and a camera, just my life really.

I keep looking at the shelf of empty bottles of vodka that we once shared, I can't bring myself to throw them away, because I remember every shitty and amazing memory attached to these cheap glass shapes. One of the lids that is missing, I took and I put a note inside it, saying 'don't forget tonight' and put it in her bag.

I wonder if she found it. I know she will have, she will have smiled, because she loved me. I just remember it all, and I want to shrivel away to dust and be locked in the memories.

I have been told lately that I just "look so sad", and despite my lightning wit and charm, I still seem different. This makes me sad, because frankly I just knew it'd happen when she left, I used to warn everyone, kidding about if she ever left me how much of a wreck I would become, because it felt like she never would leave..

But she did. Everyone leaves eventually, because nothing Gold, can stay.

It's like she took our favourite part of me, she loved my hilarious confidence and silly smile, and I loved it too. I guess too much to be true.

I know you must all get sick of my sadness, but I'm sick of it too. So don't worry, i'm doing my best.

I listen to music often now, I am not sure where i'd be without stupid thrums of guitars and electronic bass that makes my head spin when I smoke weed and drink till I am staggering. That's another thing, I drink too much now, but not as much as when I was with her, because at least then there was company that was just as fucked up in the head as me, so I felt at home with her.

Why does everyone leave, more over? Why did she have to.

~

I hope she comes back one day, to visit, and give me my smile back. She tore a hole I can't repair.