Between falling stools

(getting a handle on it)

I didn't, after all, make a second matching cushion cover today, I was a bit riled.

The block in which I live is divided into approximately 20 flats, some are owner-occupied and some let out. The flats, therefore, must be leasehold. Of the flats, my landlord owns only one;- the one I rent. He rents it out through a letting agent and this is the only tenancy in the block under their agency. There must, therefore, be an overall freeholder responsible for the fabric of the entire building.

This is precisely the same set-up as the flat I own in London; I have tenants (delightful), a letting agent (acceptable), and a freeholder (mostly parasitic).

The leasehold of my London flat states that I own the plaster on the interior walls, and everything within that space, but not the walls themselves. In my case I also happen to have responsibility for the roof above, but that is a quirk of my particular lease.

This building is similarly quirky. One flat, adjacent to mine, but a few steps farther up the staircase, actually incorporates the pitched roof as part of its inhabitable space, and the gorgeous dormer windows were its selling point as far as its owner-occupier is concerned (I'd kill for that flat!)

My flat, however, does not incorporate the roof space above (that which is occupied by an enormous colony of happy and comfortable pigeons).

So this is the problem (as far as I see it); because my flat is let out to a tenant (me) it must undergo an EPC inspection once every ten years, and this took place under the instruction of the letting agent a few months ago. The inspector chose to open the hatch into the loft space above for reasons unknown. The loft space above (as far as I can tell) does not actually comprise part of the flat. The EPC inspector was terrified by the centuries of feathers and pigeon shit falling down through the hatch the moment he broached its painted-closed seal, and fled, requesting the letting agent to send a handyman urgently to close the hatch and clean up the shit (literally), which duly happened, and a beautiful job resulted, I am happy to report.

The letting agent then decided to involve the local council health inspectors (contracted out; Tory council). The local council contracted-out health inspectors have deemed the pigeons in the loft above my flat to be a health hazard, have failed to close the hatch thoroughly, and have submitted a quotation of £5,000 to remove pigeons and their residue from the loft space above my flat, which the letting agent has passed on to my landlord.

A long silence followed during which I became aware of more pigeon shit, feathers, unidentifiable insects, all appearing on the carpeted floor beneath the hatch. (Not very nice)

Enough! I wrote to the letting agent suggesting to them that perhaps the long silence was because the landlord and freeholder were involved in an argument about responsibility, but meanwhile could they please send their handyman back to close the hatch as well as he had managed before?

The response was contractual bollocks: It's a health hazard emergency but nobody is sending anyone round for a quick fix while they all argue about who should pay for it.

I'm thinking that the freeholder is of the opinion that if my landlord were occupying the flat himself, and not letting it out, then none of this would have arisen. It's a fair point.

So today I nipped round to Wickes and bought some handles I could fix to the hatch from below (without having to open it any farther), and fitted them. They aren't pretty, they don't work as well as I had hoped, but they are more practical than a sloping shouldered debating society.

While I was up there, standing on a box, trying to fit the handles, my landlord rang me. He is in such great distress about the whole thing that I spent some time comforting him; telling him that I understood he is not culpable; that a £5,000 bill for evicting pigeons is not his responsibility; that as long as I can re-seal the hatch I am fine with that.
And then he asked me if I could recommend a good lawyer :-)
As it happens, yes I can :-)