Feckty feck feck feck!

Up bright and early , mouth tender but better, dogs walked, dogs into boot of car (estate), me enter car, me push button to start car........nada, zilch, bugger all nothing happens. Car won't start! I get out of car and go to unlock boot to take dogs back into house....nada, zilch, bugger all.Boot won't unlock, dog bar keeping them in the back. I spend some time cursing everyone and everything then realise I can still open the passenger back door, so I manage via some contortions to undo the cursed dog bar , release back seat and free dogs.
Get dogs in then phone greenflag which I joined after the campervan had it's hissy fit, they sent a wee Glasgow mechanic that kept calling me pal like I was Rabbit C Nesbit, he couldn't get the bonnet open. I should explain at this point that the bonnet release on a Ford focus is a bit like setting the coordinates for a nuclear bomb.  First you twist the Ford Logo on the front grill then you place a special key in and go left then right then hey presto. Only problem being this sophisticated method broke and half the grill is missing and you have to insert a screwdriver in the slot to release the catch. However no matter how much I told my new found friend this it wouldn't budge, not with a screwdriver, a plier, a wheelbrace or several hammers later. My exasperated no longer pal gave up and left. I went back into daughter's house and had breakfast. I tried phoning Donald but he was on a bus on his way to the bloody optician in Oban. He carries two phones one which is fecked and the other he never answeres so his wisdom was no use. Greenflag then phone me back to say they were sending a quick fit mechanic to open the bloody bonnet, I said it wasn't a flat battery but an electronic fault but being of the fairer sex, they still wanted to send the by now not so quick qwik fitter! They then decided to send another mechanic from 911, by this time I had joined the neighbour helping her cut her hedege ( better that than my wrists) Anyhow the second mechanic him in the picture, decided to take my car to Polmadie, not the dump but the depot next to the dump!. I left the dogs with my neighbor as they said one dog could travel in the truck but not two! Dogs went to neighbour I went to Polmadie. This time my second mechanic friend who was lovely was joined by another one with an even bigger hammer. After much hammering and yammering the car finally yielded and let them look in it's mouth. This was how I was at the dentist yesterday so my sympathies were with the car.
After much toing and froing they decided the alternator was kaput hence all the dead electrics.
I'm still sitting in the palatial splendor they call a reception which has one hard wood chair chained to the wall!! Maybe in case someone throws it in frustration. They did offer me tea or coffee and the 911 boys have gone the extra mile. They are now trying to get a smaller truck for my dead car which they maintain will get me home quicker than a qwik fit fitter.  They have two spare big trucks that can do the trick but have this warped logic that a wee truck would be quicker but they don't have any Free wee trucks!! They really need a woman here to run this place logically. They're now on Google Earth wondering where on the planet Ardrishaig is. Meantime Donald still hasn't answered his bloody phone.
To be continued....... I'm listening to the guy s behind the glass arguing, ones accusing the other of being a fecking p****, they are busy badmouthing lochgilphead, they obviously don't realise I'm sitting on the other side of the paper thin wall. I also know the password s to their computers. They are now drawing lots of who goes to f******lochgilphead. This lot a comedy genius. To be continued some more. "Lochgilphead, that's next to coulport, I could dae that in an hour" oh my God get me out of here!
Continuation... Well at 4.30 they finally came in and said they had a truck and driver! Halleluija there was a God! 
I jump into the cab and the first thing the 12 year old driver said was "I feel dizzy, Ive been sick and dizzy all day and I have a pounding headache " I'm thinking what have I done to upset the Gods up there, 
He looked as pale as the proverbial ghost and I thought well at least if he keels over, I can drive this vehicle myself as I used to drive an A series lorry and tractors and combines. (one of these few times of your life when you are grateful for your miss spent yoof 
Anyhow I did learn that the company did have a driver as early as 2pm but wouldn't use  him until they located a smaller lorry, naughty naughty!
I warmed to my sickly driver and learned some interesting facts about the workings of this very prominent company! all in all the journey home was quite good and i was home about 6.30
For those of you wondering where the errant Donald got to, he got the 7am bus to Oban for a 9am optician appointment but because of the school holidays, there was no lunchtime bus so he wasn't home till 5pm and he made me take the dogs as he was going to be oh so busy working on that white elifunk boat of his!! I had to leave the dogs with Pas neighbour and Abbiedog was giving me evils like I was selling her to a puppy farm!.
Finally, I did give the sickly baby driver a worthwhile tip for doing his job while feeling like shit, I admired his tenacity. Told him to get "proper" medicine.
And breathe............