Special Delivery

My Dear Fellows & Dear Princess Normal,

This rather ugly building is "New" Saint Paul's - the replacement for Old Saint Paul's which I think is much nicer. I snapped it on a walk to warm myself up. The climate inside the office was PERISHING today. I think I'm going to have to start wearing fingerless gloves* in the office unless they sort out the a/c soon.

Lemon told me that she won't be in tomorrow or Monday. Her daughter-in-law is having a C-section and her son is "too bloody useless" to be there. He has a work thing in Auckland apparently. She was disgusted.

It is the birth of his 2nd child though. The daughter in law was in labour for 30 hours last time. 

THIRTY HOURS! I told her I'd had this discussion before. I seem to recall that 30 hours would be nothing to you, Princess. I told Lemon that I had asked you how you get through labour that lasts so long, and whether you can sleep through parts of it. 

(As I recall, your answer to me when I asked that was "GTF!") 

She confirmed that, for most women, typically the contractions are too painful to allow sleep. "Not for me though," she went on. "I don't ever feel contractions until the birth is nearly imminent. It's just like UH! And it's out."

"Other women hate me," confessed Lemon.

I asked her if it ran in her family, "No, no, just me," she said blithely. Apparently her sister had a really painful labour a few years ago. "The pain only subsided really close to the end, just as the head was coming out," said Lemon. "The nurses were all being really encouraging and telling her that it would only take one more push. Then they turned around and looked at her and she was snoring her head off."

Lemon came up with a unique way to rouse her sister. "Sis! I'll get you McDonalds!" she said. 

It did the trick. Lemon's sister came to, and the birth was successful. I wondered aloud if the baby came with fries.

"Oh, I had to get over to the McCafe quick, and get back to the maternity ward," Lemon continued. "My sister had a face like thunder. It's a bloody good thing I had a Big Mac in my hand."

Apparently the story was reversed just a year later. This time, it was Lemon who was giving birth and her sister was tasked with bringing in the scran after the big event. However, Lemon's sister was also pregnant at the time, and it was a long walk from KFC to the hospital.

"An EMPTY BUCKET?!?" said Lemon to her crestfallen sister when she arrived.

"It was a LONG way and I was REALLY hungry!" replied her sister. 

"I bloody got you MCDONALDS!"

"You weren't f***ing PREGNANT!"

I reciprocated by telling her the story of Pickett's first birth. She too had a C-section. I remember we walked into the room where she lay with her new baby and her husband was already in the dogbox.

"I came in and asked her if she was still in pain, she looked so uncomfortable," he told us.

"And I told him that he had bloody well sat down on my catheter tube," Pickett continued. "There was a tingling in my loins when I saw him, but not in the good way." 

She was a little disappointed she had not been through the actual "birthing" process, but on the other hand, "At least my fanny won't look like the Dartmouth Tunnel," she added.

So I'm sure we all wish the best for Lemon's daughter in law tomorrow. She too, will avoid tunnel-fanny. I just hope Lemon remembers the McNuggets afterward.

S.

* Like Albert Steptoe. Or 1980's Madonna in "Desperately Seeking Susan".