Bob's Your Uncle

My Dear Princess & Dear Fellows,

As you know, I love a good storyteller. So I was delighted by the BBC programme "Bob Monkhouse: The Last Stand". I downloaded it off iPlayer and think it is gone now. I took a good long while to get around to it because I thought it was just Bob doing stand-up.

You know, he had the reputation of being the Comedian's Comedian because he was so slick and polished and had a memory of every joke ever. While I sort of admire that, I wasn't a huge fan or anything. It felt TOO polished, if you know what I mean. Still, I figured it would be good for an hour of telly.

But, however, comma - that really wasn't what it was at all. Although Bob did start out making jokes, he then moved on to telling stories.

He explained how he helped Peter Sellers at the start of his career. How he helped him polish up his act, and was rewarded with petulance, temper tantrums and lying. How superstitious Sellers was, to the point where Sellers' agent called his favourite psychic and paid him to pass on advice like, "If you meet someone with the initials B.E. you should do whatever they say."

This was because Blake Edwards was casting for his film, "The Pink Panther" and the agent knew it would be a big hit.

"Of course it backfired," explained Bob. "Peter Sellers met Britt Ekland the following week."

Bob ended that reminiscence abruptly. "I worry when people apply the word 'genius' to comedians," he philosophised. "It implies brilliance, but also madness. Peter Sellers was brilliant. And Peter Sellers was mad."

The audience went completely silent.

His talk went on. It was a bit like being invited backstage to meet the blokes you watched on the telly growing up. He said when he met Tommy Cooper, he was striding about without his shirt on. He handed Monkhouse a lipstick.

"Write BACK on my back, would you pal?" he asked. Bob did as he was told.

"That should end the confusion," muttered Cooper and put his shirt on.

Bob Monkhouse also said he did a series with another comedian called Dickie Henderson in the 1960's. The two were very popular at the time. "I had 50% of the viewing audience for my solo show," explained Bob. "And Dickie had 50% for his too."

"So between the TWO of us," said Bob to Dickie, "we should get ALL the audience." It seemed like a theory. 

But when the figures for their joint show came in, they were lamentable. "You couldn't find our audience with a microscope," said Bob. But why?

"Well," said Dickie. "50% of the viewing audience hates ME and..." 

He didn't even need to finish.

Then Bob invited Mike Yarwood onto the stage and they had a chat. I really loved this portion of the show. Mike Yarwood was another one of those familiar faces on the telly back in the day. I was never that bothered about him, but I was really touched by the chat the two of them had. Yarwood explained how he'd retired by accident. He realised his audiences were dwindling, and that his shows weren't that funny anymore. "I decided to step away for a couple of years, but it's just like parking spaces - as soon as you pull out, someone takes your place."

He seemed a little sad, a little down to be out of the spotlight, but also spoke at length about how he had lost his confidence and had to go into therapy. But the audience was kind and he visibly relaxed. He said was nice it was to be in front of an audience again. He told a story about the time he did an impression of Bob Monkhouse, and as "Bob" he told a joke about Max Bygraves.

"'Ere, Yarwood," said Max the next time they met. "Wot's orl vis? I fort we woz mates!"

Mike explained to Max that yes, he had told the joke, but that it was as Bob Monkhouse.

"What the f***'s that got to do with it?!"

"Don't you see? I would never tell a joke like that, but Bob would."

Max thought about this. "The next time I see that bastard Monkhouse, I'm gonna bollock him," he growled.

At the end of the chat, Mike Yarwood left Bob onstage, but the audience gave him a standing ovation and you could see how much it meant to him. I honestly had a lump in my throat. It was really very touching.

Of course, Bob got an even bigger send off at the conclusion of the show. I still can't say he's a favourite comedian of mine, just someone I grew up with on the telly. But when it ended I was very sorry that he'd gone, like I'd lost a mate.

Good telly can do that for you. If you want to give it a look you can find it on YouTube.

S.