Cabbages Against Humanity

My Dear Fellows & Dear Princess,

The day started on a fairly low-key basis. Joshua said goodbye to everyone, and two new people, Rowena & James turned up. Tiger fired up the barbecue and we spent some time decorating the kitchen for a big feed. I was called upon to baste and turn the salmon, and I revealed a long-buried childhood memory.

In the 1970's, I came home to find my parents engaged in a bitter argument. It was clear this had been going on for some time. My parents did not argue often, so this was off-putting to me.

"WHAT," my mother cried, turning to me, "do you call THIS??" She was brandishing a kitchen implement threateningly.

I was confused. Taken aback. "A-a-a spatula?" I answered.

"A-HA!" she said to my father. "A SPATULA!" she cried in triumph. "You, with your bloody 'fish slice'!"

My parents had weird arguments.

So when Tiger asked me for a "fish slice" I emerged from the kitchen with a range of spatulas. "Have these really been fish slices all this time?" I asked. "I'm going to have to call my dad and tell him that he was right in the 1970's after all."

We had a massive Xmas dinner involving chicken, salmon and ham. LouLou passed her specialty potato salad around - it had balsamic and strawberries in it. "Look, it's like Santa in a blender!" she said, delighted with herself.

But it was apparent throughout that LouLou's mind was elsewhere; she was abuzz - AGLOW - with anticipation. After eating, we were assembled in the living room. 

"Oh my GOD. We are going to have SO MUCH FUN. We are going to have EXCEPTIONAL AMOUNTS OF FUN!!!"

LouLou. With her exercise book. 

So games commenced. These included a memory game and a "brain teaser". The brain teaser was a riddle, "The older I get, the smaller I become".

"My grandma?"
"My penis?"
"A candle?"

You can judge for yourselves the right answer out of those three. But long story short, it was all very tense and went to the wire. It ended up with a rock-paper-scissors tie-breaker between Cazza and James. Who both did "paper" the first two times.

"I can't take the tension!" muttered LouLou.

The third round broke the tie. Cazza did paper AGAIN and James went rock. "That is, in fact the only shape she can make with her hand," I said. 

"I bet you're not much into fisting in your house," replied Tiger. "We call that one 'The Fish Slice'."

But then we were on to the last game. "Tossing The Cabbage". Look, I'm not entirely sure what happened. There were Xmas presents placed in the garden and you had to sort of - well - TOSS the cabbage in their direction in hope of hitting one. Today's picture shows Cazza lining up a really beautiful toss that earned her a prize. That's LouLou and Tiger offering her support, by the way.

James and Rowena won a lovely chilly bin. And a cockroach, which came crawling out of the wrapping. LouLou was beside herself with embarrassment. "Oh GOD, that's horrible," she apologised. "You won the competition and earned yourselves The Golden Cockroach."

Subsequent to this we sat around and played "Cards Against Humanity" while continuing to drink. I had never played this game before but I have say I really couldn't have chosen a better group of depraved reprobates with whom to learn the game.

If you have not played the game, it is a bit like "Blankety Blank". The key difference being that when someone has read a card like, "What would you least like to find in your kung-pao chicken?" The other players respond using a card from the hand dealt them.

So, in answer to the above question we had replies ranging from:

"Boogers"

- to

"The Blood of Christ"

- to 

"Two dwarfs shitting in a bucket"

And then it was time for SingStar. I murdered "Africa" by Toto, but Cazza redeemed our team with "I'm All Out of Love" by Air Supply. Then we all danced along to "Love Is A Battlefield" by LouLou. 

LouLou was clearly having the best Christmas ever. I think "Cards Against Humanity" had unleashed something in her. Something dark yet lovable.  "Oooooooh, I effing LOVE you all!" she beamed, "You are such a filthy bunch of effing w*nkers and you don't care what c*nty mad things I say chocolate willy w*nk f*ck."

"I'm really quite drunk," she added. Which was a little unnecessary. 

We got huge cuddles as we left their lovely cosy cottage and promised to pop back in for Boxing Day croissants.

I am, today, a mass of itchy welts. Seriously, I look like a leper. It is all my own fault for sitting outside the first night without adequate buggy protection. Also, I miss my boys and we're not entirely sure how we are getting home today. But as I type this I do not really care. Because I too had an amazing Xmas. A w*nky chocolate willy of an effing Xmas which I will never ever forget. 

Thank you Tiger & LouLou. And to you, my lovely friends, your Christmasses are still ongoing I expect. I hope you are having the best time too, either with or without cabbages and SingStar. 

And may all your Christmasses be effing mad c*nty chocolate willy too.

S.

p.s. Lulu Cat in the extras. She and I bonded over a catnip mousie.