Raconteur

My Dear Princess & Dear Fellows,

I love a raconteur. I really do. If someone can tell a story, I will follow them around like a bichon frise. You, person that I know reading this, can obviously tell a good tale or we would not be friends.

My two favourite storytellers were Peter Ustinov and David Niven. So I was delighted to find that BBC iPlayer have put up an old episode of Parkinson featuring Niven. 

I actually remember seeing this episode on telly back in 1983 when Niven died. It made a huge impression on me back then. I was curious if I would find him as charming today as I did then.

I did. Apart from a rather ugly defence of Errol Flynn which felt out of touch in these #MeToo days, I did. 

And unless you're planning to watch the episode on iPlayer, here's why:

His Polo Story
Still a struggling actor, with no money and no job, Niven found his luck in when he was invited into a steam-room by legendary drinker and prankster John Barrymore. The two were drinking buddies, but more importantly the famous film producer and polo enthusiast Darryl Zanuck of 20th Century Fox was there.

Niven was weak with hunger and the heat was getting to him when Barrymore, knowing of Niven's enfeebled finances asked, "Will you being playing polo or taking the yacht out this summer?" with a snigger.

"Polo... polo..." replied Niven, before passing out from the heat. 

He was just coming around to the sound of flapping towels outside the sauna when he heard Zanuck, "Does he really play polo?"

"Sure," chuckled Barrymore. "Used to play it for the British Army!"

"You don't say!"

So that was how Niven - who rode horses reasonably well but had never played a chukka in his life - found himself being introduced to St. George. "A brute of a horse," Niven said. "It bit like a dog."

This was his horse for the game. Niven reckoned if he stayed close to Zanuck throughout, it would look like he was playing passably well. Unfortunately, this backfired when St. George got within chomping distance and bit Zanuck right on the bum. 

Understandably distracted by this, Zanuck rode over the ball and his horse trampled it into the field. The two men circled round. Niven thought if he could only connect with the half-ball sticking out from the turf he might even score a goal and cement his polo reputation.

He swung the polo stick, missing the ball by a mile. It carried on though, and its trajectory took it right under Zanuck's horse's tail, disappearing up its arse. 

Surprised by this turn of events, Zanuck's horse clamped on. And the last thing the spectators saw was "this triangle of me on my horse, attached to Zanuck on his horse, via a polo stick, galloping past them off the field."

"I never did work for 20th Century Fox," sighed Niven.

His Humphrey Bogart Story
Bogart did not like Niven at first. He thought he was a "typical pissy Englishman". But the two of them warmed to each other. "He was a very short man, despite playing all those tough guys roles," observed Niven.

On one occasion, Bogart, John Huston and Niven were having dinner in a restaurant in England when a member of the aristocracy (a Duke) walked in. Apparently a very, very tall Duke who was impressed enough by the company Niven was keeping to come over and say hello.

"He disliked me intensely," said Niven. This was due to a previous incident when Niven had been invited to shoot on the Duke's estate. The Duke had mistakenly shot a carrier pigeon - apparently a terrible faux pas amongst game shooters - and Niven couldn't help himself.

"Any letters for me? Ha ha ha," he said. And found himself on the Duke's shit list from then on.

So anyway, The Duke expressed pleasantries with Niven after being introduced to Bogart and then said, by way of leaving, "David, you must come shooting again. Stop by at the end of February."

Bogart was impressed. "Look at you, shootin' with a Dook," he said.

John Huston explained that the invitation was actually an insult. The end of February is the end of the season when there is nothing to do but shoot cocks only, and the Best People don't do that.

Bogart stewed over this, and as the evening continued, Huston got so drunk he fell off his chair and rolled under the Duke's table. This prompted the Duke to get up and say unflattering things about "Hollywood People".

Bogart shot out of his chair and went to grab the Duke by his lapels. But because of the disparity in height, he instead grabbed the Duke by his flies. Which was unfortunate, given what he said next:

"Waddaya mean, insulting my pal with ya 'cock only'???" he snarled.

His Frozen Willy Story
In the 1960's Niven was making a film in Italy which required him to ski. Niven loved skiing, but lied and pretended that he didn't know how, so that he could spend more time out on the snow-fields "practising" with a coach.

Unfortunately, his ski-gear was just a film costume. So not really very warm. He was up practising with his coach when, as he put it, "where he should have been warmest - amidships - something was terribly wrong."

He had no feeling. It was cold down there. Dead.

"The word 'frostbite' flashed into my head like a red warning sign," he said.

His instinct was to clap his hands on the affected area, but this put him in the racing position and he ZOOMED to the bottom of the slope in record time. He found a group of bored Italian men and in pidgin Italian called out to them in distress. "CAZZO GELATO!!" he cried.

"Put it in the snow," they advised. 

"I'm not bloody putting it in the snow. You put YOURS in the snow," he snorted. Someone recommended alcohol but there was none to be had so he was bundled into the back of a truck with "four horny-handed Italians" rubbing the area to keep the blood flow going.

In the end he wound up in a bar in Italy with a small glass of whisky proffered to him. Into which he lowered his "walnut" as he put it. Fortunately, once again, alcohol saved the day.

These are stories I haven't heard in over thirty years. But I'm sure you can see why they stayed with me. I do hope they put some more old episodes of Parky on there.

S.