Mulling it over

My Mondays are like being on holiday, every week. I really can’t get over the difference it makes to my life, having this extra day.

I went to Kingston on the first off peak train. To be more accurate I went to Surbiton and walked along the Thames from Ravens Ait. There are a few aits (or eyots) on the Thames, this being the most well known as it is used for weddings and parties. You have to be ferried over in little boats.

Anyway -

It was just an excursion. No reason. I took some photographs, had coffee and mince pies, went ‘round the shops and had mulled wine in a pub. Then I found a stall selling vegan fish and chips which was gorgeous, walked back down the river and came home. The food portions were large so I gave a lot of the chips to the gulls and swans. You’re not supposed to feed them bread but I don’t think potato can be a problem, unless they demand ketchup and you don’t have any.

Big day politically. Couldn’t help a bit of satire. Read on if you are so inclined ...

The scene: a young man enters the office of May, Fox, Gove and Co Solicitors (there are several other names alongside but these are all scratched out; clearly there has been a lot of change in this firm).

Mrs May: What can I do for you?
Young man: You’re handling my divorce proceedings.
Mrs May: Ah yes I have the folder here. Complicated case. Lots of paperwork.
Young man: Yes, well, I think I may be able to help simplify matters -
Mrs May: Oh I doubt it. Very complex case. In fact we’ve had to put all the papers in one of our special bindings. A blue one do you like it? I’ve also had to consult a leading barrister in the area.
Young Man: Yes I know I’ve had the bill for that. Actually I’d like to see his opinion -
Mrs May: Oh no that’s confidential. Prejudicial. Embargoed. Thirty year rule, convention, General Data protection Regulations all that sort of stuff.
Young Man: But I paid for it. It’s my future that’s a stake!
Mrs May: Sorry not possible.
Young Man: I’ll get the law society on you.
Mrs May: I’ll have it couriered over to you tomorrow. Anyway what do you want?
Young Man: Thing is since this all started two and a half years ago I’ve had a change of heart. The wife and I haven’t split up. I mean she moved a lot of her stuff out and she’s obviously very cross with me for starting proceedings but I’ve realised that was she was telling me was right. We’re better off together.I realise now that I’ve been rather stupid. A lot of it was down to elderly relatives and the neighbours who told me lots of stories about horrible she was and how she was taking all my money.
Mrs May: Well they could be right. Who handled your case in the past?
Young Man: Well there was a poster up in your window with a Mr Cameron on it so I came in and saw him.
Mrs May: He’s not with us any more.
Young man: Well he didn’t seem very interested and when I decided to give it a go he handed it over to Mr Johnson -
Mrs May: He’s not with us any more
Young Man: Ok well he handed it over to a Mr Davis
Mrs May: He’s not with us any more.
Young Man: And the last thingI hear this guy called Mr Raab was handling it although -
Mrs May: He’s not with us any more.
Young Man: Okay … well look the thing is I’ve changed my mind. Two and a half years ago I decided - on balance but only just - to go ahead with the divorce. I’ve found out a lot since then and in particular I’ve realised that my elderly relatives were just old and jealous of everything we had. I mean you know what some old people are like, wallowing in misery, banging on about the good old days and how marriage was better when you only got to bath once a week in front of the fire and foreigners were - well overseas - anyway -
Mrs May: You can’t change your mind.
Young Man: What?
Mrs May: You can’t change your mind.
Young Man: What do you mean I can’t change my mind? I’m the client!
Mrs May: I’ve negotiated you a deal. Put a lot of work into it. You can’t back out now.
Young Man: But I’ve changed my mind! I mean it’s not the perfect relationship, but warts and all it is still better than being on my own; and we’ve talked and maybe over time we can refresh our relationship -
Mrs May: Well you still have a choice
Young Man: What choice?
Mrs May: My deal or no deal. Which would be hard. I mean she would take you to the cleaners, not out of spite or anything but your pre-nup was very clear. She’s carrying a lot of risk as well you know.
Young Man: I’ve read your deal, it’s bollocks. It’s not a marriage and it’s not independence. More like an arrangement that I can’t get out of. Look, I’m the client and I demand the chance to put a stop to all this!
Mrs May: You’ve made your bed now you have to lie in it. Alone. Without enough money to buy a new duvet set I expect.
Young Man: That was nearly three years ago! I’m older and wiser now!
Mrs May: It’s not the end of the world. You could always marry her again. After you’ve paid our bills of course. All those mean old relatives of yours will probably die soon and you can start afresh. Would you like a cuppa before you go? We have a really nice brew called Sovereign.
Young Man: Sovereign Tea is overrated. Stuff you this is absurd. In any other walk of life someone who has realised they made a mistake would be allowed to change it.
Mrs May: Like when you step in front of a bus and realise you are going to get run over and jump back on the pavement?
Young Man: Exactly!
Mrs May: Well I’m sorry this bus has your name on it.
Young Man: They lied to me!
Mrs May: I’m sorry. Terrible injustice and all that but I must go now I have an appointment with some colleagues. Annoying technical matter we have to resolve.
Young Man: I’ll be back tomorrow then.
Mrs May: Oh I’ll probably be gone by then.
Young Man: Well who will be in charge?
Mrs May: I’ve really no idea. Do feel free to take your file with you, the nice blue cover was very expensive. And enjoy your Sovereign Tea …

The young man leaves and Mrs May picks up the phone.

“Michael? I’ve changed my mind about that young man’s divorce deal. Maybe it needs a bit more work … cancel the meeting and oh … put the sign writers off for now… Thank you.”