Life Lessons

My Dear Fellows & Dear Princess Normal,

Lemon was very excited this morning, she had been to see "Bohemian Rhapsody" and wanted to tell me all about it.

"It was SO amazing! I'd forgotten about Live Aid," said told me. "Mind you, it was probably a mistake taking the boys along."

It turns out that one of her boys (they are 9 and 11) had heard about it and for some reason was desperate to go and see it, despite knowing nothing about Queen. As a result, Lemon spent a lot of the film fielding questions:

- Is she mad at him because he brought all those men to her party?
- Why are there so many men at the party?
- What does "bisexual" mean?
- Is that why he kisses men but he's married to the lady?

Bless her, she apparently did her best to answer all his questions honestly. "It was a very educational film for my youngest," said Lemon. She sounded a bit worn out from the experience herself.

I recounted to her awkward moments watching films with adult themes when I was younger. Basically there were two rules if you were watching a film with your parents when "sexy stuff" came on:

- No eye contact, look straight ahead
- No talking (don't even clear your throat)

Basically it was all about trying to pretend you were not actually in the room. Making yourself invisible. Because then we could all pretend that THIS WAS NOT HAPPENING.

I'm still traumatised from sitting in the room with my dad when the naked wrestling scene from "Women in Love" came on the telly. Mum had just made sausage sandwiches too, and there it was. Alan Bates' sausage. Flapping about all over the place.

Our conversation was broken up by my hayfever. I took myself off the shop to get some antihistamine. The nice pharmacist told me that the generic brand was cheaper than the named brand.

"More money for sweets," I told her. 
"'Sweets'!" she laughed. "You are SUCH an Englishman!"

That's right. They call them "lollies" here. But that doesn't feel right. Lollies are crappy boiled sweets that come on a stick that you can only buy in chemists. Like Chupa-Chups. 

"And do you say, 'crisps' too?" asked Nice Pharmacist. This was getting a bit personal.

"No, I've learned to call them 'chippies'," I replied. This is true. I have. But I know they are crisps really.

I've been here over a year now. I think I'll always be English though. Some things you can't change or unlearn. Chippies will always be crisps and lollies will always be sweets. And if Alan Bates ate a sausage sandwich on the telly, I expect I'd still get embarrassed too.

S.