SHATNER!

My Dear Princess & Dear Fellows,

I know! I never ever ever EVER post full-on pictures of me and Cazza on here. It is a policy. But I'm sure you'll agree that events warranted it.

The third person in the picture. He's a bit of a hero in our house. And not really because of Star Trek either. Don't get me wrong. We love a bit of classic Trek. And I still maintain that seeing "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" at the pictures in York in 1982 was one of my bestest cinema experiences ev-

"Spock doesn't really die," hissed my dad. 

What?

"He doesn't really die," my dad went on. "He's going to come back in the next one. I read it in the paper."

Bless him. He was trying to protect me. 

But - TRAGIC DEATHS ASIDE - I bloody loved Star Trek 2. I still think it's a brilliantly well put-together film. When I was 12 years old, I remember thinking, "Oh NO, they can't possibly get out of this!!!" 

And then of course they did and I wanted to cheer and cheer.

But Cazza loves Shatner even more than I do. She loves him in all his incarnations whether it is playing The Big Giant Head in "Third Rock from the Sun" or Inspector Lucerne in "Columbo". We also like his reality shows like Invasion Iowa where he successfully pranked an entire town into thinking he is a hideous, temperamental diva.

So I had to take her to see his one-man show "Shatner's World". And I have to say, he's a man who can spin a yarn. He spoke for two hours - mostly telling humourous tales of his mis-spent youth. Such as:

- He used to nick his neighbour's motorbike every night and go riding all over Montreal - loving the feeling of freedom. This went on for months until his neighbour sold the bike. "But.. but.. what happened to our - your bike??" wailed Shatner. 

"I wanted to keep it but the gas mileage was killing me," sighed the neighbour.

- The time his horse rolled on him. "I'm calling an ambulance," said a man. "Don't call an ambulance," said Shatner. "You might be bleeding internally," said the man." "Call the ambulance," said Shatner.

He got taken to hospital, riding in the back of an ambulance with no nurse and on a gurney that wasn't fastened to anything. "If I wasn't bleeding internally when I got in that ambulance, I was by the time I got to the goddam hospital," he mused.

He was put behind some curtains and told to pee in a bottle to see if there was blood in his urine. The curtains closed and he was given privacy to summon up the pee. Just as he was putting - errr - "himself" into the bottle a nurse popped her head through the curtains. "I'm your biggest fan!!" she cried.

"That's quite a compliment," smirked Shatner.

- He was broke, down and out after Star Trek was cancelled in the late 60's. He was living on the beach in a broken-down old shack on stilts. One day a little kid came to the door.

"You Captain Kirk?" asked the kid.

"Well, yes, I suppose I am," replied Shatner. 

"This your spaceship?" asked the kid.

"I guess it is," said Shatner.

"Can I look inside your spaceship?" asked the kid.

"Sure," said Shatner.

Shatner showed the kid his 2-ring stove where he heated up his beans. "These are the controls for steering the ship," said Shatner. Then he showed the kid his shower, "That's the transporter."

"I bet you - out there somewhere," Shatner told us, "there's a middle-aged man trying to convince his kids. 'I was! I really WAS on Captain Kirk's ship!!!'"

- The perks of being Captain Kirk. Like being invited to meet Koko, the signing gorilla. "I love you Koko," he signed to her, and she beckoned him forward. "I love you Koko," he said again, and she put her hand on the back of his head as a sign of affection. 

"Then with her other hand, she grabbed me by the balls," Shatner recollected. "Bye Koko, see ya," he signed and made good his escape.

- Memorabilia-hunters were so desperate for Star Trek spoils someone once paid $100,000 in an online auction for his KIDNEY STONES. "I took that money and gave it to Shelter and someone is living in a house paid for by MY KIDNEY," he announced.

There were lots of other stories too - about his kids, about the death of his wife. A lot about his parents, especially his dad who taught him to always save money and spend it on people that you love. 

"At the funeral parlour, I could hear his voice in my head, telling me to save money on the casket and spend it on the living," he explained. "At the ceremony I told my sister, 'Dad would be so proud of me, I got a great deal on the coffin.'

"Was it used?" asked his sister.

He didn't talk too much about his Star Trek years, or his co-stars. I liked that about the show. He talked about some of his more obscure roles and his love of horses. And, of course, his singing career. 

No, don't mock. I love his version of this song more than the original. And apparently he even has an Xmas album entitled Shatner Claus.

I was amazed he kept talking for as long as he did. And after the show...

"Those of you who bought VIP tickets to meet me, please stick around," said Shatner. "The rest of you have disappointed me deeply."

I had been keeping it from Cazza that we had VIP tickets for MONTHS. In the end I told her the day before. I thought she might actually have some sort of Shatner-related FIT if I'd broken it to her on the night. And while that might have been funny, I'm just not that mean.

He was extremely friendly to both of us, telling Cazza to move on up so he could chat to her while the photographer did his thing. We told him how much we loved the show and he seemed genuinely grateful. I think the fact that we had followed on from a couple doing "Live Long And Prosper" signs might have helped.

So there you go. An evening with the legend that is William Shatner. I'm so glad I paid the extra, Cazza was beside herself. "Beaming", some might say.

S.