Saturday

I pushed through my anxiety and will I / won't I this morning and went to the Worldwide Photowalk. Meeting in the Grassmarket, walking up Victoria Street, turning back on ourselves to the terrace area onto Johnston Terrace, then all the way down the Royal Mile to Holyrood. Then onto Holyrood 9A for food/drinks. 
There was a maximum of 50 of us and I think most turned up. We got to the end of the Grassmarket all together, then the group started to stray, people looking  different  directions for photos. When we hit the top of  the Royal Mile we were met by the Independence March gathering. From there on, I saw no one from the group. Walked right down to Holyrood on my own. It was rubbish. I did think of quitting, but I wanted to see it to the end. The streets were packed. Walked down to the sounds of the bagpipes/drums, chanting and noise. I escaped into some shops when it got too much. 
We were expected to be at Holyrood for 2pm. I got there at 1.20pm. Sat for a bit and watched hundreds of marchers enter Holyrood Park. 
I couldn't face meeting in the pub, and to be honest I don't think I would recognise any faces. I felt a bit disappointed how it turned out and that I had done it on my own  I was angry at myself for not being able go into the pub. 
Headed home. 
The bus was packed and noisy. My anxiety was rising. 
I have gone into self destruct mode, still so angry. I have cried, self harmed and am feeling agitated. 

(there are extras)