A Trip To Tazzy

My Dear Fellows & Dear Princess Normal,

Cazza is out with IRD Linda tonight. They have gone to "WOW" a yearly festival held here in Wellington to highlight the "World of Wearable Art".

I know that actually spells "WOWA". Just shut up about it.

I have seen the posters. Some of the clobber looks pretty spectacular but it is wasted on me. I know this for a fact because me and Cazza tripped across a display heralding WOW on Sunday and we had a gander. 

Well, Cazza did. I was too busy avoiding mimes. There were a whole bunch of them dangling about being annoying. On a quiet Sunday afternoon they had almost no-one to annoy so had to fart about being surreal with each other instead. When they saw us they made a beeline, waving and gesticulating and pretending to be a steam-engine chuffing its way around the displays.

Nob-ends.

So I was too busy avoiding them to really take a look and Cazza got frightened away too. Mimes are the less scary version of clowns, but even so you'd hate to be stuck in a lift with them in case they lasso you with the invisible rope or trap you in the shrinking glass box.

So I am all on my own tonight and thinking about what filum to watch. As for my day, I don't really have much to tell you. It was not very interesting. 

But as it happens I've got Kate Bush singing "WowowowowowowOOOOOP! Unbelievable!" stuck in my head. I got to the line about hitting the vaseline and it occurred to me that I may not have shared the John Hopoate story with all of you. 

I know some of you will remember. But if not, then settle down... 

My story starts in 2001 when I was staying with Cazza's family and read this news story in the Bay of Plenty Times:

Tigers To Appeal Hopoate's Ban
The Wests Tigers rugby league club will be appealing the ban handed down by the NRL judiciary to John Hopoate.

John Hopoate has been suspended for 12 matches after being found guilty of poking his fingers up the anusus of three North Queensland opponents. 

West Tigers chairman John Chalk says the club is very disappointed with the verdict. 

Now, I'm sure your first reaction to this article is exactly the same as mine – namely, what exactly IS the plural of "anus"? I don't think "anusus" sounds right. Actually, I think "Anusus" is one of the Three Musketeers. But that's by the by. At the time the issue was discussed on a current affairs show hosted by Paul Holmes (NZ's Jeremy Paxman). We, as a family sat around to watch the very important debate.

It did not go well. Despite the seriousness of the accusation, it was clear that Holmes was having trouble with the whole "bums" aspect of the conversation. 

HOLMES: Do you think the suspension is enough punishment?
PLAYER: Nah mate, I'm ashamed to wear the same colours as 'im. Get 'im out of there, I reckon.
HOLMES: Well, apparently Hopoate is denying that he pushed his finger into their anus. He's claiming it was just the perineum.
PLAYER: Where's the perineum?
HOLMES: (Trying to stifle giggles). Well - errrrr... if your - ah - anus was - let's say - "Tasmania" then - well your perineum would be "Melbourne".
PLAYER: Jesus Christ!  I wouldn't want anyone sticking their finger up me Melbourne EITHER, mate!
HOLMES: (Loses it completely and collapses).

I remember all too well seeing that on the telly and to this day "Melbourne" and "Tasmania" have a special significance for me. I'm not sure I'd like to visit though.

WowowowowowowowOOOOOOOOOP! Oh bugger. Kate's going to be keeping that up for HOURS.

S.