Fractured

...or being recreated. A mystery, indeed... After two years reprieve, anxiety attacks have found me again, along with intense hot flashes. Not pleasant... Physical symptoms are sleep depriving and energy depleting. Anxiety causes me cling to things like crackers in the middle of the night, cling to a patient little dog. His warm softness grounds me more than prayer, though I do that, too. The attacks can come in the daytime, too. So awful... So estranging...

Seeing the doctor was not helpful. She wasn't even half as patient as my little dog. My Lumen... This painting, done one week ago, just before the attacks returned, seems almost to speak to my present state of being.  

I wrote the above last night, and couldn't bring myself to post it. Then a fairly good night of sleep, only interrupted a couple times by Lumen needing to go out, and me needing to go in. Bathroom breaks are normal for all of us. Pearl went out, too. No attacks, just these ordinary calls of nature. 

Since waking, some nausea and waves of heat and weakness, but also cream of wheat and the pleasure of watching Pearl and Lumen playing a game of King of The Castle. The castle was an old red towel that I use to dry the little dog after a rainy walk. He loves that towel, and he dragged it out into the studio where Pearl was having a supine wash. He coaxed, pounced and teased until her enthusiasm was aroused. She actually had her turn as king, or queen, I should say. 

While I was writing that, I was sort of thinking between the lines. Maybe I have a particularly nasty virus that has been with me for a week and probably won't be around much longer. It is a good thought; this too will pass. Meanwhile I will be an obedient if reluctant patient and have a blood panel done. 

Hopefully I will find my way back here to comment on some lovely blips. I have missed so much.