Mother’s day

I’ve been a mom for almost four years. My first Mother’s Day was calm, just me and my little almost one-year old Olivier. Things got busier, a lot less bucolic, as he grew up. Now with Henri, there wasn’t much time today to sit and snuggle. There was shopping to do, places to go, naps to be attempted, cakes to be baked, discussions to be had: why is the sky’s colour changing? When will the leaves be there? Why can’t we go to grand-Maman’s right this minute?

As I tried to say all that I felt in a single Facebook status, I realized it wasn’t possible: motherhood has been all I wanted, and then some. It is physically and mentally demanding, some days are hard, some are fun, others are sweet. I run these days on 3-4 hours of interrupted sleep, and more than that gives me a migraine (like today). Most of the times, the days are made up of very intense emotions that felt, before kids, incompatible: how can i love these little boys so much, find them so adorable and funny and sweet and yet, at the same time, want so much to run away, even if only to use the bathroom without one foot on the potty so that Henri doesn’t put his hand in there while I discuss some important topic with Olivier. Or tell him not to punch/push/hug his brother to the point of him crying.

This is what motherhood has taught me: nuance. Complex emotions that are always as intense as they are contradictory. It’s possible to love them so much it feels like I will burst, and be so annoyed and exasperated its a bit scary. I’m not as patient as I want to be. But I’m there. And even though it can be hard, I don’t regret it.

My heart, my arms, my hands, my bed, are full. I’ll sleep when they get older.