Fiction and Non-Fiction

My Dear Fellows and Dear Princess Normal,

Well reminded everyone. Thanks to you, I made my way to the library and now am the proud holder of a lovely library card with a picture of a fern on it.

Fern-mad, they are here...

But, as it turns out, it took so long (there was a queue of new applicants) that I didn't have time to get any BOOKS! Useless.

On my way back to work, I considered my Theme of the Day. It is this: How We Present Ourselves To Other People. 

It started yesterday when Smock got a request for information on what we are doing from a bloke who is nothing to do with us and has no interest in us and was only doing it to be a n*b.

It's all part of the politics people play. I can't be bothered to explain it.

Not only THAT, but what he wanted was REALLY detailed and he wanted it by lunchtime the next day! Smock threw a fit. I could tell she wanted really badly to swear. I could have offered her some swearwords but instead she turned purple, which - while amusing for me personally - can't be good for her.

"Leave it to me," I told her. 

So this morning I sat down to work and channeled my very best Mike. Nob wanted to know - in detail - about our system, so I told him. It's hard to explain, but what I wanted to do was describe it in a way that was at the same time wholly accurate but on the other hand, completely impenetrable. For example. Here is my description of a mop:

"The implement will enable all users who have established themselves as having appropriate access via secure authentication procedures to clean those surfaces or areas deemed to be in non-compliance with standard regulations regarding hygiene while at the same time enabling safety standards to be adhered to which may be applicable to those surfaces or areas and if those surfaces or areas are currently in a state of non-compliance with those standards."

So that's what I can do with a mop. Just think how much fun I had this morning Sir Humphrey Appleby-ing the description of a whole system. Three whole A4 sheets of meaningless legalese technobabble guaranteed to give the reader a headache.

It was SO MUCH FUN.

I wondered if I had gone too far. Smock was CRYING with laughter. "It's a masterpiece!" she said. Though a masterpiece of WHAT, she did not add.

Although she added that maybe I could do with adding some spaces between paragraphs to make it easier to read. I looked at her, aghast.

"Oh yes, I see your point," she said. The paragraphs stayed squished together.

But later that day I also had to respond to emails about our new system from the people who will theoretically be using it.

I was SOOOO nice in those emails. Friendly, encouraging, but still polite. I had to re-read a couple of times. I wanted our system to sound good, but not TOO good. I didn't want to come across like I was one of those oily, slippery salespeople in Curry's who want to sell you on their Product Protection Plan, then rip you off and shove their index finger up your bumhole to add insult to injury.

Well, it could happen. This is why I've never bought the Product Protection Plan.

Instead, I wanted to come across like someone giving you helpful advice on train timetables or the best way to roast a chicken*.

But still. It isn't me. This forum, this here blip is the closest thing you will get to the real me. It sometimes comes out at work. There are some people I can be cheeky with, but not often. And I have not yet cracked any bumhole jokes. For the most part, I keep Proper Me hidden away.

Thank goodness for blip. Maybe that is why I am addicted to it. It is my opportunity to run around and be RUDE. 

And at the end of a day like today, I am heartily grateful for it. 

UPDATE: I am home now watching telly and turned over to "Animal Airport". It opened with the line, "...and a passenger turns violent when he's found to be smuggling a tortoise in a most unusual place." I NEED to see the rest of this show.

S.

* Upside down, so the juices all run into the breast. Just so you know.