Secrets

My post is going to be split up today so it runs smoother when I read it back in the future and to add to the small explanation at the end.

University
Today I went to my Image, Music and Text module. I really liked it. It was extremely beneficial to me as it made me aware of how my annotated bibliography should be written in comparison to how I did my first few entries. So I spent the session fixing them up and getting back to a point where I can add more.

Additionally, I finally finished my presentation that I've been hating and stressing over! HURRAY! At first, it kept being 6 minutes and 35-38 seconds long and I was so furious I tore my script and had to tape it back together! I then decided to rephrase the script and start practising with the slides so the additional time for moving on would be included in my timings. I edited the script so well because I went from over a minute too much to under the leeway (aka not exact time but I wont be marked down for timing anymore)!

My success made me really happy and after my module, I decided I was going to cook myself my last pizza and enjoy my miniature break between lectures. Here's where it all went wrong. Personal stuff continued to happen (written specifically on a word document now since I'm trying to keep her out of my life but would still like to document my memories) and it put me in such a bad place. I'm already doing bad, I shouldn't have to put up with this shit when this blog is literally just for me. No one she knows will see this and think anything of her? It's not intended to shit on her but for me to remember both good and bad. The idea for some of the posts would be that in the future we would be close again and would look at it and laugh, but she can forget that now with her public overreactions. I was feeling too depressed to go to my final two lectures so I chose to stay at home. I emailed Zoe to let her know how I was feeling and that I was sorry and wouldn't be showing up and she wished me the best and said it was okay and thanked me for telling her. That was good, I didn't want to be seen as pathetic by my tutor, she just respected that people can have mental issues and left me to it. I think it's more because I mentioned wanting to feel better for my presentation tomorrow and being around people wouldn't help me.

Home 
I've been feeling really crappy at home lately. My past few posts are about how I feel my bf isn't even interested in me but I see that's not true. I know it's not true. I know it's just because I'm in a hard position right now and I'll be over it all once my stuff starts to work. I was thinking of editing away all the bad things I wrote about him but I can see that it would ruin my memory. In the future, in fact, just today I looked at one and it made me laugh because it's silly and even though it's still an issue, I know that once I'm in a better place I won't see it as an issue AND as him not caring. I've been doing so much to help myself over the past few days and one of those was accepting his help last night. I accepted that he can't always be here for me but I shouldn't push him away when he is because it's not going to help anyone. I even tried to force myself to ask him to come off his game at one point but this is going to have to be a work in progress(I always leave him to it instead of asking because I don't want to take him away from what makes him happy). I was so upset last night and he came into my room to ask what was wrong with me and I just held him so tightly and let out all of my tears. Once they stopped, I let go and showed him what was upsetting me at the time. He also knows I'm going through a rough patch so I'm trying to let him know, just recently, if there is something specific or if it's just a random burst of sadness. I've been successful at telling him these past two days; it doesn't help me to talk about my problems but it does help me knowing that he's aware of what's wrong and will be prepared to comfort me. So I've decided against my previous posts. I'm not going to stop pretending like his lack of attention doesn't upset me and I'm going to try to speak to him about my issues even if it means I have to type it all out first and I'm never going to stop letting him help me unless it's genuinely something to do by myself. I think we're doing so well at the minute, we've managed to stay together through both of us being in hardship which is better than so many relationships! I've managed to get him to actually start thinking about chores now, he might not always do them, mind, but he does think about them more often than he used to. And I think once he starts getting into doing them more often they'll hardly ever be any arguments between us. The only other things that really cause arguments is how much effort I previously put into buying things for the place and how little he has/continues to do and then his lack of being here for me when it's evident I need help (the times where I don't write it on the door but you still leave for the entire day, if you end up reading this).

Babies
He mentioned wanting to have babies in the near future but right now I don't think I can even question having one. He stills wants to live his life first and, fair enough, who wouldn't? But I just think it's too soon that he mentioned this. I respect it, I won't make a big deal of it and I mentioned to him why I hate that he said it and he understood (I think/hope?)

Money
I've been applying for Summer internships with my University: I think it'll be great fun and excellent experience for me for the future. When I think of graduate jobs I get a little worried and feel like I'd never be able to get into one, but with all the opportunities my University has to offer I feel like I'd be able to build up way more useful experience than other candidates. My boyfriend, almost typed husband then, has a really well-paid job and I'm not sure if he enjoys it because of the wage or genuinely likes being there. The people he works with make me feel really uneasy because of how they talk and act but as long as he's happy I'm fine. So money for him has been super well in comparison to perhaps a few months ago. So this has stopped being much of an issue. For me, I really want to save up where I can, but I also really want to start some subscriptions again. I want to get myself the "Boxy Charm" beauty subscription box but I feel like I should wait until October when I'll have a way better income. I also want to start getting "loot crate" again, I'm not too sure which one I'd get, it would be the regular one or the gaming one for me. But I think that should wait too. My problem is there's so much I'd like to get but there's also so much I'd like to save up for. I want to buy these "Imperial Candles" in the cotton scent and the lemon, but I also don't want to spend a potential £60-£80 on candles when I could put it in my newest savings account ready for something big. I don't know. Maybe I could treat myself everytime I get some form of income, then it wouldn't be as bad! But unless I do get one of these internships, I won't have any income now until October 1st!!! Maybe I'll keep hinting at the people who love me! I avoided looking for a job because I knew I could get by without one but maybe I shouldn't risk not getting the internship and apply anyway? I don't know yet.

Blipfoto
So I think keeping these memories for myself is going to be such a good idea in the future. I'm really tempted to go on my "google photos" and find ones from the days I've missed this year so far and fill it in so I have a daily selection for the whole year. I think it'll be good to come back to the blog/journal in 2019 and seeing how that exact day next year is different/similar to this years. Almost like a Facebook memory!

The relevance of the image?
Well, as you can see, the image is of myself. I'm making a "silly" face as always (which has less relevance to my point) but the reason I chose to use a selfie for today's post is that this post comes together as showing who I am. I'm wearing make-up in the picture, to do a good face of make-up you take several different constituents and place them together in some form of structure to create the overall look. This is basically saying that I'm finally starting to see all of the things that are building up who I am. I may not be perfect or extremely happy just yet, but that doesn't mean I am not starting to have a successful appearance. 

Update:
This blog post is called "secrets" because I told my mother something I'd never plan on telling my family today. I feel it was an irrelevent thing and it didn't need to be mentioned until now. I know the title doesn't fit with the majority of the post but it is what was on my mind as I wrote it.