Cream Crackered

My Dear Fellows & Dear Princess,

I was awoken at 1am last night to find my bleary-eyed wife collecting her pillow and climbing out of bed.

"You're snoring like a bastard," she offered by way of explanation.

I could not deny it. I've had terrible hayfever this week. I do not know what is in the air in New Zealand, but there are days when it feels like I have hoovered it all up my nose. The resultant effect is - apparently - that when I am asleep my nose sounds like a vacuum cleaner having sex with a smaller vacuum cleaner.

Consequently there have been a few mornings recently when I've found Er Indoors tucked up in the spare room. I feel bad about it, but really until the pollen drops out of the air, I am helpless to do anything about it.

"I'll go," I said gallantly and picked up MY pillow instead.

I went to the spare room to find the two cats, starfished across the bed. Because I am a big softy I could not move them, and anyway our couch is very comfortable, so I went to get the spare duvet and made myself a cosy nest there instead.

I went for a waz and when I came back, Punky was in the middle of my nest. "THIS is nice!" he said, purring loudly. 

Fine then.

I went through to the spare bedroom. Jasper didn't even stir as I climbed in next to him. I laid down to sleep and - 

CLAW CLAW CLAW CLAW CLAW

Punky had realised that, in stealing MY bed, this had allowed ME to steal HIS bed. And he wasn't happy about it. 

I told him that it was too late. He had made his bed and now he could lie in it literally and figuratively. 

I put my head down again. The next thing I was aware of was that Jasper was on my pillow. 

"This is MY pillow!" he proclaimed and settled down to sleep with his arse in my face and his tail up my nose.

I'm not proud. I went back to sleep and slept for two and a half hours until - 

MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

Jasper wanted the bedroom windows open.

Fine. Then.

I opened them for him and went back to bed.

Now I need to pee.

God - effing - DAMMIT.

I went to pee and Punky appeared from nowhere, dancing merrily. Because he ALWAYS gets his breakfast at 4 in the morning. "No really, I do," he assured me. 

FINE THEN.

I fed him and went back to bed. By now Jasper was VERY excited because he could see another cat outside and wanted to tell me all about it.

MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

I tried to shut out the noise and dozed fitfully for 90 minutes. It was fitful because Jasper got cold from the window being open and wanted to get under the duvet with me. He purred happily as he pawed my stomach and attempted to sink his claws into a bollock.

At 5.30 I gave it up and decided to be awake. I got out of bed 30 minutes later for my shower. 

"Hello!" said Punky. "Time for breakfast!"

"Don't feed him," said Er Indoors. "I fed him at 5am."

"And I fed him at 4am," I replied. 

"The little sh***!" said Er Indoors.

"Lies! Vicious slander!" responded Punky, and went off in a huff.

I'm not sure where I'm sleeping tonight. Although now that I'm back on the couch after a day at work I suspect it might be right here. Where I'm sitting. Probably in about ten minutes.

S.