Good Tradition

My Dear Princess & Dear Fellows,

If I say "Hilary" to Mad Dog and Auslaender, they will immediately smile, because they know who I am talking about. A tall blonde Irish lady with a mad laugh and a permanent grin.

I sat next to her on Slack's demutualisation project from September 2005 to December 2006. It was boring and rubbish, but I had Hilary to keep me company. They called our part of the office "Tourette's Corner". My swearing was not so entertaining, but Hilary constantly kept up a flow of X-rated conversation with her PC.

"Oooh! Ya fupping backstard! This grasshole program won't bind!! Fupp off!!"

She is a very VERY funny woman. Constantly quoting Father Ted, Monty Python and with a flow of brilliant stories about herself and her family. 

One Easter she showed me this picture. She was CRYING. I've never seen anyone so hysterical with laughter. All day long she quoted it:

"Me arse hurts! What?!? Hahahahahahahaha!!!!"

I don't think I've ever seen anyone so taken with a joke. It came to be a tradition with us. While at Slack I used the internal post to send her a Maltesers bunny every year. And every Easter we RACE to be the first to post this image to the other on Facebook. 

Although look at the bloody date, she totally cheated this year. March 25th??? Huh.

So anyway, this is as good an excuse as any to tell my favourite FAVOURITE Hilary story. And I know you've all heard it before but what the heck.

It was late one night, we were both struggling to get software working. And the stories started to come out. Hilary told me one about a friend of hers who had gone a bit mad with the drink and was wobbling home much the worse for wear.

He knew he needed something to soak up the grog or tomorrow would be hideous. He looked for a chippy or a pie shop or ANYTHING. Eventually he found somewhere and gorged himself on carbs.

But it didn't help. The next day he felt near-death. He dragged himself out of bed, groaning and bouncing off the walls. He splashed some water on his face and looked at himself in the bathroom mirror.

Oh DEAR GOD. What was that on his forehead?!?

He'd developed some sort of hideous growth overnight. It looked like he had smacked his head off something. He touched it and recoiled. 

Panicked now, he called the doctor. "I've got this huge ugly growth on me head," he explained. "I don't know what it is - it could be some sort of allergic reaction or... or... could it be THE CANCER??"

The doctor calmed him down. Told him it was probably the result of an accident that the bloke had forgotten about due to the drink. But the doctor recommended he get himself to A&E so that someone could look at it.

The bloke packed a bag (well, you never know) called a taxi and prepared to leave the house. He was reaching for the door handle when the growth just fell off. 

He looked at it. The growth looked back. Then it all came flooding back to him.

"Oh that's right," he recalled. "I went to Spud-U-Like last night and got myself a tuna and sweetcorn baked potato. I must have fallen asleep in it."

Now THAT made me laugh and laugh and laugh. Heaven knows how true or embellished the story is, but I don't care.

One last Hilary story. This one concerns her local Chinese takeaway. It is Hilary's tradition that every Friday she goes in there and gives the order for herself and her partner Bill and then he collects it when it is ready on his way home from work.

One particular Friday the lady behind the counter was new and didn't know Bill. Hilary described him, so they lady would recognise him and not hand her food to some random person.

Apparently Bill walked into the crowded restaurant and the lady shouted across all the patrons, "You Bill! You big baldy man!" He nearly died of embarrassment.

So Happy Easter all, but especially Hilary. And Mad Dog, if she is still working at Slack, could you send her a Malteser Bunny from me?

S.

p.s. Today's earworm is Tanita Tikaram. You are welcome.