A lot to think about

Slept in a bit this morning. The last two nights have not been good in terms of sleep. I get to a point with my current condition where it escalates to a peak, over about 10 days, then the peak lasts for another 10 days, then I have maybe 3 days of normality and it all starts again. I am heading to the peak, which means sleep disturbances, not being able to get comfortable, pain in places that there shouldnt be pain, headaches. The sleep disturbances then mean I am not on fighting form the next day and the descent for me emotionally then becomes quite rapid, as I can't see the point, I can't be bothered, I am tired, grumpier than usual and prone to either being utterly utterly mean or coming across as completely unsupportive or sympathetic to the needs of others.

It's not a good place, because fundamentally, I am a pretty nice person. I DO care about people - my child, my husband, my family, my friends - and I AM interested in what's happening for them. But I am convinced that what people are seeing is a self absorbed, pain obsessed woman in her late thirties who really can't be bothered with anything except herself.

That contributes to further angst!

So it's probably best not to start to explain the thoughts that are swirling around my head about my job, the 'system' that I and thousands of other teachers work in. But I fear that I am about to! I have given it a lot of thought and that I have a sinking feeling that there is so much fundamentally wrong with the 'system' - for a start, that it is seen as some sort of mechanistic process for churning out results attached to human beings, that is is driven by politics, that it is monitored through a process that lacks transparency, that builds in failure and breeds fear and contempt in the very professionals who actually need to be encouraged, given a pat on the back and given the trust to do what the very very vast majority want to do - to teach children.

I have been reflecting on my own education - through a system where the first time I received grades was at the end of my exams at 16. A system where I was not subjected to testing and national curriculum levels at primary school, where my primary school teachers taught me the basics and yes, where we were tested, but not drilled to the detriment of creativity and instilling a love of learning, of wanting to find out more. That continued through high school.

I seem to have turned out alright and I very much believe that the desire to learn, my need for finding out, knowing more or just to be interested in something that is outside of my normal realm of experience, is as a result of a system which I know was not driven by league tables and inspection. I know this, because I know teachers who taught me, or have taught people my age, and their reflections on how things were illustrate the point.

I fear that progress in overhauling the system, in making it rigorous, competitive with other nations, making it beyond reproach in terms of professionalism, is making the people within it genuinely fearful and taking away the love of teaching. It is turning into a job, a "treadmill" as someone referred to it in an email to me the other day ("Make sure you recover before you get back on the treadmill of work") and it is making sensible, sane human beings who do have empathy for others behave in ways that cause that empathy to be questioned.

I don't know that one person can change anything. I told Fisherking today that I fear that I am no longer a good advocate for my colleagues, as I feel that I am often powerless to make a stand against the influences that I genuinely have no control over. That makes me feel like I am letting colleagues down.

More importantly, it makes me feel like I am letting my students down...that is not something I can stomach.

So yes, lots to think about!