Pirates............

Yes, Pirates, real ones.......

Those of you with high pitched voices, bumpy chests and the ability to multi-task will have already assessed that this pearl is tiny. The male of the species may be surprised to know that the female knows this instinctively from the size of the 'butterfly' attachment on the gold arm. Mrs Booty has tiny ears and these look gorgeous when she wears them. (Grovelling sod aren't I?)

Let me tell you a story.....are you sitting comfortably children?

On the 23rd June 1981 I was sitting in a Puma helicopter northbound to a gas platform which was a wee bit west of Kota Kinabalu in Sarawak, Malaysia (that's the bit at the pointy end of Borneo). We had refuelled at Labuan Island, just off the coast of Brunei and were cruising along in the dry cool air at 6000' happy as Larry. On our nose appeared the island of Pulau Tiga, which has recently been used for "I'm a dork get me out of here." A beautiful tropical island ringed by coral and sand. You can see Manta Rays as they fly along underwater.

Anyway, my bezzy mate Colin and I were miles away, wittering about nothing much when he got very agitated and told me to hang on as he had seen something happening in the sea. Suddenly we were descending towards the blue sea below and Colin was calling all sorts of emergency services for assistance. I was a tad non-plussed because from where I was sitting life seemed pretty normal, apart from the passengers being hurled to the side of the aircraft by the G force of our spiral descent. It was at this point that I quietly enquired what the ...... what was happening to upset him and why was he putting the world on alert for WW3 via all our radios?

Colin rolled the aircraft to my side and explained he was reporting pirates attacking a vessel full of Vietnamese boat people. After mature appraisal of the situation I asked him a simple question.

"How much do you know about Pearl Fishing?"

He went very quiet. I then pointed out calmly that all the "Pirate" boats were not in fact anywhere near the largest vessel but were spread out while their crews were voluntarily jumping into the sea. This would indicate a degree of activity not normally associated with the rape and pillage of a typical pirate attack.

Brunei and Kota Kinabalu were told what was happening and the world returned to normal. Our passengers were pleased to discover we were not going to cream into the ocean or commence attacks on pirate ships with our shoes.

An over fertile imagination and early mornings are not necessarily good bed-fellows.