The Day We Went Bowling

My Dear Fellows & Dear Princess,

I was supposed to be sociable today. Paula was going to take us out for breakfast at "Chocolate Fish" but we both slept in. 

As Paula is Er Indoors's schoolfriend and not mine, I felt justified in giving her the flick and lounging in pyjamas. I could tell Er Indoors was envious as she rushed about showering and getting dressed but it serves her right for having friends when she was at school.

And anyway, before the Paula-plan came into effect we were supposed to be going for A WALK.

Calm yourselves. I know! An actual walk. I had to explain to Dostana on Friday, when she asked me what my weekend plans were.

"I know a walk doesn't seem like a big deal," I explained, "But you have to understand that my wife DOES NOT WALK. Not ever. So I really had to set this up in advance and tell her it wasn't far and that there would be shopping at the end and that I would promise we could taxi back."

So yes. Er Indoors was DELIGHTED with herself when she was able to add Paula to the mix. "She can just drop us at the shopping place!" she announced.

Oooooooh. Sneaky.

So anyway. Since I dropped out of Chocolate Fish, I walked to the shopping place and Er Indoors met me there. Twenty minutes late, but I was expecting that and ordered myself The Big Breakfast and a pot of tea. In fact I was slightly annoyed that she was only slightly late. I can make one pot of tea last about as long as The Ring Cycle, if you supply me with enough milk and hot water.

The shopping was at Freedom Furniture which is one of those places where you wander around and it is like walking through tastefully-decorated kitchens, living rooms and dining rooms. They don't make a crass attempt to SELL you stuff, they just place it "so" and then wander off, la la la... waiting for Design People to fall into their carefully-constructed taste-trap.

We were actually there for bedside lamps, but Er Indoors wandered around with her trolley picking up lots of random things. "Shiny!" she said, when I asked her to justify one purchase.

I couldn't think of a counter-argument to that, so into the trolley it went.

She also purchased an inordinate number of decorative bowls. Which I wouldn't ordinarily challenge, but decorative bowls are already LEGION in our house.

"What do you think of this?" she asked of a shallow, brushed-gold oval bowl.

"Where is it going to go?"

"It's going to go on your chest of drawers."

NOW I had her! In the grip of me undeniable logic! I happen to know that there is ALREADY a silver coral-design bowl on top of my chest of drawers on account of it is on top of my chest of drawers!

"What about the silver coral-design bowl?" I asked. Aha! Get out of THAT!

"I'm going to empty THAT," she replied, as if this was OBVIOUS and I was a POLTROON for not realising such. 

"Well... okay..." I said, less certain of myself. "But where will it go?"

"That can go on the cat table," she replied. She means the big cardboard box that Feefs covered in black plastic, that the cats sleep on. I'm not sure what the cats will do with a silver coral-design bowl, but they are getting one.

We did look at bedside lamps, and eventually agreed on ones we could both live with, but not before some controversy. Our bedside tables are not that big and Er Indoors was looking at some huge bloody things, all gold-coloured wire construction with massive lampshades. I wanted something more subtle. I picked a small white lamp. You'd barely even recognise it as a lamp. It looked more like an oversize roll-on deodourant bottle.

"No," said Er Indoors. And when I asked why I got the most BRUTAL reason why ever. Women, take note, men will have no come back for this:

"I don't like that lamp," said Er Indoors, "because it reminds me of your ex-wife."

THAT WAS EFFING HARSH.

I told her so and we both got the giggles about it. Every time she asked me about another bowl I was like, "Nah. It reminds me of MY EX-WIFE. And you've just ripped a painful SCAB off my HEART by suggesting it."

(For the record, Soozle had minimalist taste. So actually Er Indoors sort of had a point about the mini-lamp. Still, for comedy reasons, I had to keep it up for a good 30 minutes).

In the end, we got:

A big wooden bowl (which went on the cat-table)
A big brushed gold bowl (which went on my chest of drawers)
A little gold bowl (shiny)
A big glass jar
A slightly less big glass jar
Bathmats
Fake plants ("Because the cats will eat real plants")
NO bedside lamps ("I've taken pictures. Now I need to do more online recon.")

The silver coral-design bowl ended up in the study. I am not sure why. I also don't know why the cats need a huge wooden bowl. 

But then I am not a design person. My strengths begin and end with a two-hour pot of tea.

S